Love this song!! Describes where I am right now...

Jason Gray - More Like Falling in Love
From the album Everything Sad Is Coming Untrue

Give me rules
I will break them
Give me lines
I will cross them
I need more than a truth to believe
I need a truth that lives, moves, and breathes
To sweep me off my feet
It ought to be

(CHORUS)
More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

Give me words
I'll misuse them
Obligations
I'll misplace them
'Cause all religion ever made of me
Was just a sinner with a stone tied to my feet
It never set me free
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love

It's like I'm falling in love, love, love
Deeper and deeper
It was love that made
Me a believer
In more than a name, a faith, a creed
Falling in love with Jesus brought the change in me
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's gotta be

More like falling in love
Than something to believe in
More like losing my heart
Than giving my allegiance
Caught up, called out
Come take a look at me now
It's like I'm falling, oh
It's like I'm falling in love
It's like I'm falling, oh
I'm falling in falling
It's like I'm falling

Madame Blueberry

If you're not a Veggie Tales fan, you probably don't get the title.  Don't worry, I'm not turning blue or anything.  This character is in one story about thankfulness.  'A thankful heart is a happy heart' - that's the lesson, and theme song.  Madame Blueberry is, well, blue.  Sad and she thinks it's because she doesn't have enough, or the right, stuff.  She meets a girl in the story that is poor, but happy, and in the end, she learns that stuff can't make her happy.  

I'd like to spin the lesson a little, because its something I've been learning lately.  I really don't (usually) want for stuff, but for situations.  Like I want to be out of debt, I want to be healthy, I want to be 50 pounds lighter, I want to fall in love, I want to do more mission trips, etc.  get the idea?  so, to help me get over this, I'm going to list some things and situations I'm grateful for.


A great church

Friends who accept me for who I am
A family who supports me
Snuggle times with my sweet, yet crazy, cat
A job that's close to home
Just having a job
To have been on some mission trips
To have my debt level going down
To have lost weight, but more importantly inches
My house, even with all it's problems
Jesus dying on the cross for my sins
And for Him raising from the dead!
An eternal home in Heaven
Some of my health issues coming in line
My independence
My freedom
My friends' children (that I get a 'kid' fix and go back to my freedom/Independence! lol)
Low-cal Alfredo Sauce
That gooey brownie from The Chocolate Bar
The not-so-low calorie Alfredo sauce
Cinnamon/sugar soft pretzels
Strawberries
Cheesecake (my dad's of course)
Dad's pizza
A good sports bra
Lessons learned from past mistakes
A God who isn't limited in the way He can speak to me (through His Word, prayer, spiritual leaders and friends). But also (even?!!?) non-Christian movies, TV, games, books, friends, etc.
That He does answer prayers with 'no'.  I don't mean the 'not right now' or 'later' nos, I mean closed and locked doors.


I could go on, and probably will.  but for now I need to get some work done at that job close to home!


What are you thankful for?


   

catching up

I'm not entirely sure how a month and a half has gone by since I last posted.  Between the promotion at work and feeling crappy lately, I just haven't been too social.  Oh, but if you know me personally I seem like it though.  Sometimes its an act, sometimes its me forcing myself out of a slump.

Maybe today isn't the best day to catch up.  I messed up my lower back somehow (probably from sitting on my butt most of the weekend doing nothing except eating...) and, well, let's just say the girls should understand why I'm in the 'blahs'.

So, why am I here posting today?  Maybe because I titled this blog 'Being Real' and I haven't been lately.  Why?  Hmmmm.  Wish I knew for sure.  But I have a few ideas.

Time with God - lacking in that area.  I read the Bible and/or a devotional almost everyday, but I know that's not really time with Him.  I don't spend hardly any time praying and listening.

TV - well not really TV, more like Netflix.  Current addiction = Battlestar Galactica.  Before that was Law & Order: SVU.  It's amazing how much time you lose when you're watching stuff (just one more episode... oh just another... next thing I know 6+ hours have disappeared)

Food - not eating healthy is not good for my brain or body.  I feel sluggish and can't focus.  Yesterday alone I ate 3x as much as I should in a normal day.  I mean, come on, really?  How did that happen?  I actually had the thought that maybe if I kept eating the pain would go away.  I knew it was wrong then, and I'm paying for it now.  It seems like I spend Mon - Thurs making up for Fri - Sun, every week!!  Will next weekend be better?  Only time will tell.

Exercise - well, I've actually made some improvement here :)  I recently took up Zumba.  It is so much fun!  I have more rhythm and coordination than I thought.  It took a few weeks for them to kick in though.

Weight loss - I tell people to ignore the scale while they're in a plateau, I really need to learn to listen to my own advice!!  I've actually gained 7 pounds since the beginning of the year.  May not seem like too much, but it took me months to lose that 7!  People tell me I look like I'm losing though.


Perfection - not attainable but that doesn't stop me from getting down on myself for not being there.  I think this really is the main problem in all areas.  I keeping thinking I'm not good enough in something and am therefore a failure.  So not true!  Besides, there was only One Who was Perfect, and He makes me perfect in Him.


Whine, whine, whine... 

Well, let's change focus a bit.  I have actually managed to stick to a Bible reading plan for 52 days now.  I'm a little over 30 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and in much better shape.  I feel like I'm moving into some new areas in life and its exciting to see what God's doing.  Still hoping to go to China later this year.  The promotion at work, and of course the raise, have been good for me, definitely utilizing skills in a better way.

The more I am real about stuff, and face it instead of trying to numb it with food, TV or trying to be perfect, the more I believe that last paragraph will be longer than my list of complaints.  Contentment...  my pastor preached on that a couple weeks ago.  Maybe I should go back and listen to it again!!

Thanks for listening! 

hello 2011

First post for the new year!  Hope everyone is well!

So, I finished the Twilight Saga last week.  wow!  I really enjoyed the story, I gotta say.  But the emotional roller coaster that came along with it... not so much.  If you've read any of my other post about the series, you know what I'm talking about (if not, go back and read).  I've slowly been weening myself off the addiction.  Any time the longing comes, I pray.  The Lord and I have had some intense talks lately, but I feel closer to Him than I have in a long time.  Silly how a vampire/werewolf story can draw you closer to God, but sometimes that's how He works - in the unexpected.  All that said, even though I liked the series, I do not recommend it to anyone who is prone to identifying with the character or gets emotionally involved in the story, like me.  I really think some of the material is to mature for a younger/teenage audience.  I guess I'm just old fashioned that way :)  But why stir up emotions or feelings or desires unnecessarily?  Those emotions are God-given, don't get me wrong, but they have a time and place.  They just leave me frustrated.  TMI?  maybe, but remember, this is my blog about being real and honest ;)

Anyway, moving on...

My first pastor's wife passed away Sunday morning from pancreatic cancer.  Sad that this sweet, dear woman is no longer with us. She meant a lot to my life when I was a baby Christian.  She worked with me through a lot of junk.   But, I know where she is and Who she is with, and I rejoice over that.  Actually, slightly envious :)

Through events that have happened lately in my life, the passion for Heaven is swelling in my heart.  I cannot wait to be in eternity.  Over a year ago, I felt that way, but in a scary way.  The depression type of just wanting to die.  Now, I just want to be with Jesus.  

I'm really starting to understand what Paul meant in Philippians 1:21-26 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me"

I started reading a book by Ted Dekker called The Slumber of Christianity.  I love his fiction so I thought I'd try his non-fiction.  Its a book about how Christians have lost the passion for eternity, how we long for satisfaction in earthly things, yet never find it.  I'm only in chapter 1, I'm sure I'll have more to share here as I read it.  

God is real, Heaven is real and therefore Hell is too.  I know where I'm going, do you?

2010 - what a year!

I guess having a blog means I should have a recap of the previous year, at least I feel like writing one :)

2010 brought so many things into my life, things I never really thought possible.  I lost 40 pounds and I completed 2 5k's and 1 10k.  I'm (at least a little bit) less in debt than when I started.  I went to Scotland, Kansas City and Denver twice.  I attended a MS support group.  I blogged, fairly faithfully.  I started the process of a promotion at work, and got my highest performance rating since I started there 10 years ago.  All in all, gotta be one of my best years.

Considering last year was one of the worse anyway.  Depression sucks.

I did a personality study for work that gave me insight into who I am, who God made me to be.  Discovered my love and talent of photography and other visual arts, which lead me to join the tech team at church.  I know now that I'm a numbers driven person, not a people driven person, at least at work.  I get highly emotional about things, but tend to bottle it all up.  I see situations in black & white, maybe not the same black/white of others, but I have some strong convictions.  I'm loyal.  I'm not a self-started.  

In the past couple weeks I discovered I'm a Twilight fan, really didn't think that would happen.  

I started the year not knowing if God was really real.  I needed Him to amaze me, to remind me how real He is.  He did, in so many ways.  A lot through the mission trip to Scotland, how it all worked out.  Through the emotional battle I've had with being single.  I feel closer to Him, closer than I have in a long time, if ever.

Well, what does 2011 have in store?  No one can really know.  Some of things I'm working towards are to lose the last 30 pounds, to complete 6 5k's, to pay off more debt, to take another international mission trip (hopefully to China in November!).  Not sure what else.  I know God has plans for me, plans to not harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.   

obsessed and need sleep

so yesterday I get off work, go home and start reading.  about 630+ pages and HOURS later, I finally went to bed and fell asleep somewhere around 3am.

what in the heck was I thinking???

well, I was totally engrossed in Eclipse.  then couldn't help myself and read 1 1/2 chapters of Breaking Dawn. The word 'obsessed' comes to mind :/

today I'm a mess.  I'm numb, not just emotionally like I was talking about yesterday, but physically.  SO stinking tired!  and it's all my own fault!  stupid, stupid girl

I really shouldn't let myself do things like that.  My defenses are down.  Fighting the good fight of faith is hard enough w/o sleep deprivation!  I'm so emotional, more than usual.  And there's a short trip between being being slaphappy, numb, then bitchy...  currently at numb, good thing I get to go home and not do anything tonight.  Well, there are about 600 pages for me to read...

we'll see how long I last.  unless of course I go home and nap, then finish it later tonight.  but that will just make tomorrow even worse.  I'm so not gifted in self-control!

But here's my revelation for today... I'm sure there's some psychological word for it, but I really get into the characters of books, TV shows and movies.  I get so wrapped up in their lives, I can't just watch or read, then walk away and not have the emotions follow.  It's weird.  And this isn't the first time I've realized it, just the first time I'm 'talking' about it.  1 episode, or 1 OK book, and I'm good.  Get me engrossed in a series, and I'm done.  The line between reality and fiction blurs.  I need help, I know. :)

Now, if I could just do this with the Bible....... stupid flesh :-/

The hole in my chest / Why I like the Twilight Saga

I feel like I have to preface this entry with the following statements:


If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, what I'm about to say might sound crazy to you. Seek Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him into your heart. Ask me if you have any questions.

Then again, if you do know Him, you may still think I'm off my rocker. I welcome you to read also, with an open mind and just try to see where I'm coming from... and you may ask questions also

It hurts. To breath, to think, to wish. To feel. It feels like I’m drowning. And longing for something. I have a hole in my chest that yearns to be filled. Like something or someone is missing from my life.

I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that hole is God-shaped. The longing is a desire to be with Him, to be whole, to be healed, to be out of this mortal body and with the Lover of my soul. But I’ve been human long enough to know I want to fill that void with a person, or with things.

I’ve tried food for a long time. It fills holes, but not the right one. Actually, it over fills holes! I’ve tried to fill it with knowledge. School, research. Bible studies, culinary arts, nutrition, fitness science, etc. that fills holes, in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Tried to fill it with people. People come and go, they have their own lives to live. Books and movies. Those work well sometimes to numb the pain. I relate to characters, get into their heads, feel what they feel… lose myself in them. A fantasy world that sucks me out of reality. Books and movies have endings though. Usually with good endings. Then it’s back to reality. I’ve tried fantasy. Close my eyes and imagine what’s over the rainbow. A Mr. Darcy or Edward for myself. A thin body, a degree, a career...

None of this satisfies. It makes the longing worse.

It ‘stirs up love before it’s time’. It numbs the pain for a short period of time. Then it all comes crashing back.

I think I’m longing for a person. Someone to hold me, to love me, to want me. Someone who cares so much it hurts. Someone who will look longing into my eyes and make all my worries disappear.

Recently, after watching the first couple Twilight movies, I was asking God where my Edward was. Or even my Jacob (I’m more on team Edward though!). Where is the one who loves me to death, who will protect me, who watches me sleep, who can’t live without me? Then, in a very tender moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, in my heart, I AM He.

Wow! and Whoa!

My eyes get misty. I can’t seem to really cry anymore. Maybe still trying to stay in that numb place. I’m so not worthy of His love and sacrifice. But He loved me before I was even born, knowing all my imperfections. He does knows my every thought, yet still can’t get enough of me.

I long for Heaven. To be done with this fight and in His presence. His real presence, where I can see Him and feel Him.

Jesus is my Edward. He is my Mr. Darcy. He loves me more than they ever could. But, there’s more I long for……..I am human after all ;)

Jesus is my eternal Husband, not my mortal one. I will long for him till I die or he finds me. Is there one for me? I don’t know. I like to think so. But it hurts. It hurts to see other people with their ‘mate’. I’m in no way more spiritual than anyone, I’m too weak to think it’s possible to one of the ‘chosen’ who devote their lives completely to His service and never marry.

Bearing my heart like this hurts too. It feels SO fragile. But, my heart is in His hands. In order to find it, one would have to search Him out first anyway.

So, it may not make any sense to anyone else why I enjoy the Twilight Saga. It’s not the best book series ever written. Definitely not the best movies ever. (Seriously, what were they thinking with the actor for Edward???). I’m a romantic at heart, with some teenage love-sick tendencies. I know and admit to that. Heaven help the guy who has to put up with me ;)

I’m only just starting the 3rd book today, so I haven’t read about the wedding and transformation yet (thanks for the spoiler, Mike!!). But I cannot wait to have my transformation into my glorified body and to sit at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

So there it is, the tender gaping hole in my chest. Sometimes I have nightmares, wake up screaming or crying, and I have to hold myself together too, Bella. But my guy too will come, or He will come back to get me :)