careful what you ask for...

I have a feeling I've said that many, many times! And will continue you to on this journey called life.

We pray for God to show us things, or to do things in our lives... then He does and we're surprised. For me, mostly because it's hardly ever in ways that I imagined. It's a good kind of surprised, after the initial shock though :)

I've reconciled with people in the past few months that I had, basically, written off. People who I thought I would be better off without. These people were a part of my past, where I wanted them to stay. I wanted them to feel the pain they had caused me. BUT, they are children of God (even though not all necessarily walking with Him at the moment), and He never wrote them off. He's never written me either, for that matter.

It's so amazing to me to be able to talk about these situations from my past without the bitterness boiling in my heart and stomach! I really have forgiven them, that revelation floored me. Someone wanted to know the back story to something that happened very recently. Normally I'd be emotional when telling it, but I wasn't. I could tell I was ready to move on and let it go.

Awful, icky things happen to all of us. We're instructed to forgive those who trespass/sin against us. It's no fun whatsoever going through this process, but please let me tell you, the peace that comes for forgiving and letting go of the hatred is totally worth it in the end. Can't say I'll let any of these people in too far, but they are forgiven and now I can be civil with them.

People change. I change. The things that chained me down a few years (even days) ago, no longer do. Who am I to hold things over anyone's head?

One of the biggest things I've learned recently:

If the Lord truly has my heart, then no one, except Him, can break it.

Does He have yours? Are you holding on to bitterness? Seek Him and meet Him at the cross. Lay it ALL down at His resurrected feet.

My new favorite song!!

What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

I’ve made you promises a thousand times
I’ve tried to hear from heaven but I talk the whole time
I think I made you too small, I’ve never feared you at all
If you touched my face would I know you?
Looked into my eyes could I behold you?

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

I guess I thought that I had you figured out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How you were mighty to save
But those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise
All creation knows your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

Ugly Monsters

I praise God for being on this side of the depression battle! I recently did some personality/managerial style analysis for work and I know there are questions I would have answered differently a year ago. I also recently was talking with a friend who I could see that was going into depression. Broke my heart, I urged her to seek help. That the road she's headed down is scary as hell. I pray she listens.

I'm not saying my life is full of kittens and rainbows, I do have really bad days. Where the ugly monsters overwhelm me. When I just want to drown my sorrows in a huge cheesy pizza, a pan of pasta and a batch of brownies, while watching mindless TV or movies. When I don't feel like I can stand anymore. But I know that I don't stand on my own strength. The Lord lefts me up! I can only move forward or stand firm in His strength, not my own!!

Depression is real, mental illness is real, eating disorders are real! It's not just a matter of trying to feel better, or not thinking certain things (dwell is different though), or will power! There is a real battle going on, chemical or spiritual, probably both. But!! The Good News is that there is help, or Help.

I hate seeing these ugly monsters attack others. I cannot sit idly by and just watch, we are in a war, in the Heavens, and there are causalities all around. Engage! Man-up (well, woman-up!)

I believe God gave me a vision years ago... we (as believers) were in a battle and were covered in blood. He told me that the blood was not our own, but the blood of the Lamb. It was shed to set us free, to save us, to protect us.

I pray I become more aware of the eternal struggles around me. That little, temporary fights fade. That I don't dwell on the earthly things that try to weigh me down, but to think on things that are true, eternal, praiseworthy... that I engage in the Heavenly battle! Through prayer, fasting and getting into His Word. By sharing His love with everyone I meet!!