tired

I am soooo tired.  Not just physically, but emotionally too.  So, this may be a 'bit' of a venting rant.  

My aunt's breast cancer came back recently, about the same day that my grandma (this aunt's mom) went into the hospital with blood pressure/heart rate issues.  The cancer is Stage 0, thank God.  She's getting a mastectomy soon.  G-ma is still in the hospital, probably getting a pacemaker tomorrow.

I'm doing a 10k this coming Sunday.  Originally planned on walking the whole thing, but recently found out the time limit may require me to run, or at least jog some of it.  I soooo much want to finish w/i the time limit!  Haven't trained like I should have though.  I may be in a lot of pain Sunday evening into Monday, but I'm determined.  I did a 5k in April at 1:05:20.  I need to double the distance and cut down on time... lets make that determined yet discouraged.  Is that possible?

Weight loss has stalled for months now.  I've lost inches, people tell me I look like I've lost weight.  Just wish the scale would say so too.  I know, it's not all about that number and all, but I want a smaller number dang it!!  

So tired of battling emotional eating.  I find food comforting.  Logical or not, I do.

More in debt than I had planned.  Figured out how much overtime I need to get in just to make ends meet in the next few weeks.  Guess that's easier than getting a 2nd job, or trying to do the BeautiControl thing.

OK, here it goes... my pride so does not want to admit it, my independent spirit sure as heck doesn't, but I'm tired of being single.  there, said it.  so to all the people who make this their business, who have told me I'd be so much happier with someone, there's your win.  yep, not happy about admitting this, sure not!  I want to be independent, I want to say it doesn't matter, I want to say to all who think there's someone out there for everyone to, well, stuff it.  but, here I am.  Tired of the lonely nights, tired of being frustrated after watching a simple TV show, tired of hearing songs on the radio about how God gave someone to someone, blah, blah, blah.  What am I supposed to do?  Lock myself in the house and only read the Bible?  Oh, have to skip Song of Solomon though.  Unrealistic!  Yes, I am that weak.


But more than being tired of being single... I am scared to death of trying to find someone.  Palpitations, feel like I'm going to puke, scared.  Not kidding.  So afraid of being hurt, of finding out that the person I think I want is not the same as the one is for me and of having to face faults in my life while trying to add another person in.  Yep, petrified. 

Maybe I'm just tired of feeling lonely.


I know, I know... the Lord hasn't given me a spirit of fear.  I know He'll never leave me. I know He has it all worked out.  I know, I know, I added pictures of my family to the wall at church and have people praying for their salvation.  I KNOW!  I know that what I look like doesn't matter, that failing the 10k won't end the world, I know He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  I KNOW these temporal things will not matter in eternity.  UGH!  I tell people these things and pray for others dealing with all this a lot.  But knowing in my head and knowing in my heart are two totally different things.


But why does it all have to suck so bad right now?  Fallen world, yeah, I know that too. :P