Just sitting here thinking... a lot of emotions swirling around.
As far as I can tell, Scotland is paid for! Waiting final word from WIM, but my calculations show it covered, and spending money is covered. Wow! Just waiting on the visa. I have a sense of peace about it though. I mean, I really don't have to have it in my hands for, like, a week, so no need to worry. I believe God spoke that to my heart Sunday.
Sunday's message was so good. We're in a series about getting reacquainted with the Holy Spirit. He is like breath, we can't live without Him. I don't get the Trinity, don't think our human minds can get it, um, Him? but learning a little more about Him is so cool.
OK, guys, I mean really, any men reading this may want to skip the rest of this, emotional and girl talk...
OK ladies, I'm having mixed emotions about something that happened yesterday. I went bra shopping and I'm down a cup size. Cool that I'm loosing weight, but it's weird. I know my back will be very happy with me, its just weird.
So I'm starting to realize that a lot of my self image is based on being overweight. I love that I'm loosing weight and looking thinner, but like what I said in the previous paragraph, that's a part of who I feel I am. I've always been the biggest one, at least I saw it that way. I'm having to look inside more and see who God made me to be, not based on what I look like or what I do, but the real me. What if I get down to a 'normal' size? Who will I be? Someone who can actually enjoy looking through the clearance racks at Target? That would be cool. Not the point. Who am I? What makes me, me? I see this in being single too. What if I ever find 'him'? Wow, that's too much for my mind to wrap around right now...
OK, it's getting late and my thoughts will soon get very, very confusing if I keep typing. I'll spare you all now :)
PS - something that was in my head about a week ago, not claiming any kind of poetry or anything like that ...
Laying here with ghost from the past running through my mind. thinking if I could only cry they would go away. hating that I stir these ghost out of their slumber, because of a fear of the future, brought on by scars of the past. blaming the people these ghost represent, knowing they have no idea that pain they've caused.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
It's all in His hands
still can't believe I messed up so bad. I'm usually better with directions than that. If you haven't heard, I didn't send the correct type of picture to the consulate the first time and sent back my visa app incomplete. UPS just picked up the corrected package... running out of time... but it is all in His hands. So is the volcano and so is the financing! Kinda worked out too, I was double checking some of the rest of the app and realized there was a no for the question if I had been out of the country in the past 10 years. I'm sure they would have looked at my passport and the 3 stamps from Mexico and rejected me. Hope that's all!
I read an email devotional (almost) every day and today's verse was Luke 3:5 "The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth". The message was that even when we take a wrong turn or misstep, He still knows the plan and the route. Like a GPS. I love that analogy, not the first time I've heard it. He knows where we are and where He wants us to go. We might not take the correct, easiest or fastest route all the time, but He recalculates and gets us back on track. We just have to remember to listen to His voice. And He's a perfect GPS too, unlike mine that has all of the address numbers of Mexico Road in St Peters mixed up. :)
I read an email devotional (almost) every day and today's verse was Luke 3:5 "The crooked roads shall become straight, the rough ways smooth". The message was that even when we take a wrong turn or misstep, He still knows the plan and the route. Like a GPS. I love that analogy, not the first time I've heard it. He knows where we are and where He wants us to go. We might not take the correct, easiest or fastest route all the time, but He recalculates and gets us back on track. We just have to remember to listen to His voice. And He's a perfect GPS too, unlike mine that has all of the address numbers of Mexico Road in St Peters mixed up. :)
Monday, May 17, 2010
:)
For the first time in 10 years or so, I can finally say that I'm under 200 pounds!!!! I give God the glory!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
random thoughts
so many random things going through my head, not all too clear... that was your warning. here we go! :)
a family that was a part of the Lighthouse Youth Center back in the day, lost their 2 sons on Mothers' Day. I hadn't seen this family in years, like 6 or 7 years actually. One son was 24 and the other 14. The 24 yr old was a goofball in youth. I can still remember some of the goofy dances he would make up. I don't really remember too much about the other son, he was around but young. Weird to think if the youth center was still around, he may be a part of it now.
the service last night was so amazing. there were, probably, like 800 people there and the peace and love God was so strong. the boys were saved, they knew Jesus and He was their savior, so we know they are in Heaven. its still hard for the family to loose them, but they can rejoice knowing that they are in Glory. their prayer is that someone gets saved through this. I totally agree. someone will get saved, someone will have a 'deciding moment' in this as the dad put it. be a better friend or a better dad or get in the Word more.
as I look back at the time I had with this family back in the day, I was struck at my judgemental attitude back then. I thought that since they weren't a part of the Charismatic 'department' of Christianity, that they couldn't possibly have a full walk with God. that's a real simple way of putting things I used to think. not just about them, but any Christian who didn't have the fullness of the Spirit. wow, such arrogance and ignorance. I don't think that anymore, thank God. seeing and hearing this family yesterday just showed me how much I've grown. Christian, true Christianity, all comes down to your faith in Jesus Christ. As Savior and Lord, that His blood paid the way, the only way, to Heaven. And that He rose again. having the fullness of the Spirit is... amazing... wouldn't want to go without it. but that doesn't mean that amazing faith can't come from other Christians.
I asked God a while back to reveal Himself to me. I was struggling on know for sure that He was real. So weird to tell Him that I was having problems knowing He's real, as I'm talking to Him. To an unbeliever, I'd be talking to myself, or my imaginary friend. He's real, He set eternity in our hearts. So I knew He was real, but wanted to KNOW He was REAL. to know that I knew that I knew. that He was still working in my life, not just in those around me. well, He's been answering.
through the faith of the people last night, the words given at church, the miraculous way things are coming together for the mission trip to Scotland... and most of all the way I'm relating to Him, and other people for that matter.
all the probably sounded like rambling nonsense, unless you've been there. if you've been through this, you get. if you don't... just ask Him to reveal Him self in a real tangible way. you'll see.
Scotland... about $350 to go, due next week. can't say I'm not at least a little anxious about that, but if I look at the other $1925, it seems like nothing. it has been interesting to me where some of the support has come from, and where it hasn't... can't talk about too much though, just something that I'm pondering. If you read this and take that personal, well, its kinda on you. I don't say it to make anyone feel guilty, just an observation.
also waiting for the Consulate in Chicago to process my charity worker visa as we speak. note that I didn't say patiently waiting :)
3 weeks to go! excited and nervous.
I've realized recently that one of the best motivators to keep up with the weight loss/getting healthy is how many people have told me that I've inspired them! brings tears to my eyes every time I heard/read that, even now. I've been inspired by Ruby and Biggest Loser, never thought I could inspire others. keeps me going!
I would love to become a dietitian or nutritional counselor some day. people suffering with eating disorders or bad nutrition break my heart. while this body is temporary, we shouldn't abuse it. we should be good stewards of what God has given us. maybe I'll get to go into one of those fields without having to pay for college :)
deserted island. not where I want to be, where I feel I am sometimes. so alone and misunderstood. rejected and abandoned. I have people in my life who love me, who care for me, don't get me wrong. It's like I think I should say, no really, please ignore me. don't get back to me. I'm not important enough apparently. sorry to be a bother by just existing. been there? this island is no fun. I wouldn't say its a depression thing. it's being human. ever since the fall in Eden we've been detached. from each other and most of all from God. I used to wonder, as a teen, if this were all a dream. that somehow my consciousness, or subconscious made this whole world up. would I die and there would be nothing, but I wouldn't know there was nothing, cause I wouldn't exist. there's a mind bender for ya! don't know if I've ever told anyone that either. Anyway, then I met Jesus. I know I didn't make this all, He did :) when this life ends, I'll be in Heaven forever. He never leaves me, which brings me back to the original topic of this paragraph. sorry for the tangent. I know He is always here. won't leave me and I can't hide from Him. He sticks closer than a brother, or friend, or family, etc.
did you really make it all the way through all that randomness? wow, thanks! :)
a family that was a part of the Lighthouse Youth Center back in the day, lost their 2 sons on Mothers' Day. I hadn't seen this family in years, like 6 or 7 years actually. One son was 24 and the other 14. The 24 yr old was a goofball in youth. I can still remember some of the goofy dances he would make up. I don't really remember too much about the other son, he was around but young. Weird to think if the youth center was still around, he may be a part of it now.
the service last night was so amazing. there were, probably, like 800 people there and the peace and love God was so strong. the boys were saved, they knew Jesus and He was their savior, so we know they are in Heaven. its still hard for the family to loose them, but they can rejoice knowing that they are in Glory. their prayer is that someone gets saved through this. I totally agree. someone will get saved, someone will have a 'deciding moment' in this as the dad put it. be a better friend or a better dad or get in the Word more.
as I look back at the time I had with this family back in the day, I was struck at my judgemental attitude back then. I thought that since they weren't a part of the Charismatic 'department' of Christianity, that they couldn't possibly have a full walk with God. that's a real simple way of putting things I used to think. not just about them, but any Christian who didn't have the fullness of the Spirit. wow, such arrogance and ignorance. I don't think that anymore, thank God. seeing and hearing this family yesterday just showed me how much I've grown. Christian, true Christianity, all comes down to your faith in Jesus Christ. As Savior and Lord, that His blood paid the way, the only way, to Heaven. And that He rose again. having the fullness of the Spirit is... amazing... wouldn't want to go without it. but that doesn't mean that amazing faith can't come from other Christians.
I asked God a while back to reveal Himself to me. I was struggling on know for sure that He was real. So weird to tell Him that I was having problems knowing He's real, as I'm talking to Him. To an unbeliever, I'd be talking to myself, or my imaginary friend. He's real, He set eternity in our hearts. So I knew He was real, but wanted to KNOW He was REAL. to know that I knew that I knew. that He was still working in my life, not just in those around me. well, He's been answering.
through the faith of the people last night, the words given at church, the miraculous way things are coming together for the mission trip to Scotland... and most of all the way I'm relating to Him, and other people for that matter.
all the probably sounded like rambling nonsense, unless you've been there. if you've been through this, you get. if you don't... just ask Him to reveal Him self in a real tangible way. you'll see.
Scotland... about $350 to go, due next week. can't say I'm not at least a little anxious about that, but if I look at the other $1925, it seems like nothing. it has been interesting to me where some of the support has come from, and where it hasn't... can't talk about too much though, just something that I'm pondering. If you read this and take that personal, well, its kinda on you. I don't say it to make anyone feel guilty, just an observation.
also waiting for the Consulate in Chicago to process my charity worker visa as we speak. note that I didn't say patiently waiting :)
3 weeks to go! excited and nervous.
I've realized recently that one of the best motivators to keep up with the weight loss/getting healthy is how many people have told me that I've inspired them! brings tears to my eyes every time I heard/read that, even now. I've been inspired by Ruby and Biggest Loser, never thought I could inspire others. keeps me going!
I would love to become a dietitian or nutritional counselor some day. people suffering with eating disorders or bad nutrition break my heart. while this body is temporary, we shouldn't abuse it. we should be good stewards of what God has given us. maybe I'll get to go into one of those fields without having to pay for college :)
deserted island. not where I want to be, where I feel I am sometimes. so alone and misunderstood. rejected and abandoned. I have people in my life who love me, who care for me, don't get me wrong. It's like I think I should say, no really, please ignore me. don't get back to me. I'm not important enough apparently. sorry to be a bother by just existing. been there? this island is no fun. I wouldn't say its a depression thing. it's being human. ever since the fall in Eden we've been detached. from each other and most of all from God. I used to wonder, as a teen, if this were all a dream. that somehow my consciousness, or subconscious made this whole world up. would I die and there would be nothing, but I wouldn't know there was nothing, cause I wouldn't exist. there's a mind bender for ya! don't know if I've ever told anyone that either. Anyway, then I met Jesus. I know I didn't make this all, He did :) when this life ends, I'll be in Heaven forever. He never leaves me, which brings me back to the original topic of this paragraph. sorry for the tangent. I know He is always here. won't leave me and I can't hide from Him. He sticks closer than a brother, or friend, or family, etc.
did you really make it all the way through all that randomness? wow, thanks! :)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
update on Scotland
26 days until I leave! and 11 days until all the money is due. still need about $500, but out of $2275, that doesn't seem like a lot. trusting the Lord for that, and that the volcano in Iceland won't spew anymore ash into the air and we'll be able to fly! had a yard sale yesterday, were we raised $235. pretty good for a chilly day, Mothers' Day and Valley of Flowers weekend.
I'm officially in 'the system' - Big Brother's that is. Got a bioscan done Friday - sounds kinda scary, huh? It's just digital fingerprinting and a picture of my face. Have to do all that for the UK Visa. FedEx-ing a bunch of paperwork, including my passport, to Chicago tomorrow to the consulate and praying that everything gets back to me in time.
I've asked God to amaze me through this whole process. I need to see Him do something miraculous in my life. Its a scary thing to ask this, its kinda like asking for patience. If you don't know what I mean, try it. Be aware that He doesn't give it, He teaches it, and He teaches it by trials. Not fun, but worth it in the end. So, with the amazing me part, the price went up on the trip, a bunch of hoops came up with the Visa application, the volcano keeps erupting ash... but I have to trust Him. I can't wait to see the testimony(ies) I'll have after the trip about how awesome He is!!!!
I am super tired and should get to bed.
I'm officially in 'the system' - Big Brother's that is. Got a bioscan done Friday - sounds kinda scary, huh? It's just digital fingerprinting and a picture of my face. Have to do all that for the UK Visa. FedEx-ing a bunch of paperwork, including my passport, to Chicago tomorrow to the consulate and praying that everything gets back to me in time.
I've asked God to amaze me through this whole process. I need to see Him do something miraculous in my life. Its a scary thing to ask this, its kinda like asking for patience. If you don't know what I mean, try it. Be aware that He doesn't give it, He teaches it, and He teaches it by trials. Not fun, but worth it in the end. So, with the amazing me part, the price went up on the trip, a bunch of hoops came up with the Visa application, the volcano keeps erupting ash... but I have to trust Him. I can't wait to see the testimony(ies) I'll have after the trip about how awesome He is!!!!
I am super tired and should get to bed.
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