2010 - what a year!

I guess having a blog means I should have a recap of the previous year, at least I feel like writing one :)

2010 brought so many things into my life, things I never really thought possible.  I lost 40 pounds and I completed 2 5k's and 1 10k.  I'm (at least a little bit) less in debt than when I started.  I went to Scotland, Kansas City and Denver twice.  I attended a MS support group.  I blogged, fairly faithfully.  I started the process of a promotion at work, and got my highest performance rating since I started there 10 years ago.  All in all, gotta be one of my best years.

Considering last year was one of the worse anyway.  Depression sucks.

I did a personality study for work that gave me insight into who I am, who God made me to be.  Discovered my love and talent of photography and other visual arts, which lead me to join the tech team at church.  I know now that I'm a numbers driven person, not a people driven person, at least at work.  I get highly emotional about things, but tend to bottle it all up.  I see situations in black & white, maybe not the same black/white of others, but I have some strong convictions.  I'm loyal.  I'm not a self-started.  

In the past couple weeks I discovered I'm a Twilight fan, really didn't think that would happen.  

I started the year not knowing if God was really real.  I needed Him to amaze me, to remind me how real He is.  He did, in so many ways.  A lot through the mission trip to Scotland, how it all worked out.  Through the emotional battle I've had with being single.  I feel closer to Him, closer than I have in a long time, if ever.

Well, what does 2011 have in store?  No one can really know.  Some of things I'm working towards are to lose the last 30 pounds, to complete 6 5k's, to pay off more debt, to take another international mission trip (hopefully to China in November!).  Not sure what else.  I know God has plans for me, plans to not harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.   

obsessed and need sleep

so yesterday I get off work, go home and start reading.  about 630+ pages and HOURS later, I finally went to bed and fell asleep somewhere around 3am.

what in the heck was I thinking???

well, I was totally engrossed in Eclipse.  then couldn't help myself and read 1 1/2 chapters of Breaking Dawn. The word 'obsessed' comes to mind :/

today I'm a mess.  I'm numb, not just emotionally like I was talking about yesterday, but physically.  SO stinking tired!  and it's all my own fault!  stupid, stupid girl

I really shouldn't let myself do things like that.  My defenses are down.  Fighting the good fight of faith is hard enough w/o sleep deprivation!  I'm so emotional, more than usual.  And there's a short trip between being being slaphappy, numb, then bitchy...  currently at numb, good thing I get to go home and not do anything tonight.  Well, there are about 600 pages for me to read...

we'll see how long I last.  unless of course I go home and nap, then finish it later tonight.  but that will just make tomorrow even worse.  I'm so not gifted in self-control!

But here's my revelation for today... I'm sure there's some psychological word for it, but I really get into the characters of books, TV shows and movies.  I get so wrapped up in their lives, I can't just watch or read, then walk away and not have the emotions follow.  It's weird.  And this isn't the first time I've realized it, just the first time I'm 'talking' about it.  1 episode, or 1 OK book, and I'm good.  Get me engrossed in a series, and I'm done.  The line between reality and fiction blurs.  I need help, I know. :)

Now, if I could just do this with the Bible....... stupid flesh :-/

The hole in my chest / Why I like the Twilight Saga

I feel like I have to preface this entry with the following statements:


If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, what I'm about to say might sound crazy to you. Seek Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him into your heart. Ask me if you have any questions.

Then again, if you do know Him, you may still think I'm off my rocker. I welcome you to read also, with an open mind and just try to see where I'm coming from... and you may ask questions also

It hurts. To breath, to think, to wish. To feel. It feels like I’m drowning. And longing for something. I have a hole in my chest that yearns to be filled. Like something or someone is missing from my life.

I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that hole is God-shaped. The longing is a desire to be with Him, to be whole, to be healed, to be out of this mortal body and with the Lover of my soul. But I’ve been human long enough to know I want to fill that void with a person, or with things.

I’ve tried food for a long time. It fills holes, but not the right one. Actually, it over fills holes! I’ve tried to fill it with knowledge. School, research. Bible studies, culinary arts, nutrition, fitness science, etc. that fills holes, in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Tried to fill it with people. People come and go, they have their own lives to live. Books and movies. Those work well sometimes to numb the pain. I relate to characters, get into their heads, feel what they feel… lose myself in them. A fantasy world that sucks me out of reality. Books and movies have endings though. Usually with good endings. Then it’s back to reality. I’ve tried fantasy. Close my eyes and imagine what’s over the rainbow. A Mr. Darcy or Edward for myself. A thin body, a degree, a career...

None of this satisfies. It makes the longing worse.

It ‘stirs up love before it’s time’. It numbs the pain for a short period of time. Then it all comes crashing back.

I think I’m longing for a person. Someone to hold me, to love me, to want me. Someone who cares so much it hurts. Someone who will look longing into my eyes and make all my worries disappear.

Recently, after watching the first couple Twilight movies, I was asking God where my Edward was. Or even my Jacob (I’m more on team Edward though!). Where is the one who loves me to death, who will protect me, who watches me sleep, who can’t live without me? Then, in a very tender moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, in my heart, I AM He.

Wow! and Whoa!

My eyes get misty. I can’t seem to really cry anymore. Maybe still trying to stay in that numb place. I’m so not worthy of His love and sacrifice. But He loved me before I was even born, knowing all my imperfections. He does knows my every thought, yet still can’t get enough of me.

I long for Heaven. To be done with this fight and in His presence. His real presence, where I can see Him and feel Him.

Jesus is my Edward. He is my Mr. Darcy. He loves me more than they ever could. But, there’s more I long for……..I am human after all ;)

Jesus is my eternal Husband, not my mortal one. I will long for him till I die or he finds me. Is there one for me? I don’t know. I like to think so. But it hurts. It hurts to see other people with their ‘mate’. I’m in no way more spiritual than anyone, I’m too weak to think it’s possible to one of the ‘chosen’ who devote their lives completely to His service and never marry.

Bearing my heart like this hurts too. It feels SO fragile. But, my heart is in His hands. In order to find it, one would have to search Him out first anyway.

So, it may not make any sense to anyone else why I enjoy the Twilight Saga. It’s not the best book series ever written. Definitely not the best movies ever. (Seriously, what were they thinking with the actor for Edward???). I’m a romantic at heart, with some teenage love-sick tendencies. I know and admit to that. Heaven help the guy who has to put up with me ;)

I’m only just starting the 3rd book today, so I haven’t read about the wedding and transformation yet (thanks for the spoiler, Mike!!). But I cannot wait to have my transformation into my glorified body and to sit at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

So there it is, the tender gaping hole in my chest. Sometimes I have nightmares, wake up screaming or crying, and I have to hold myself together too, Bella. But my guy too will come, or He will come back to get me :)

The Heavens Proclaim His Glory - review

Another book review courtesy of Booksneeze.com and Thomas Nelson Publishing. This book was sent to me for free in return for a review.

 

The Heavens Proclaim His Glory

By A Spectacular View of Creation Through the Lens of the NASA Hubble Telescope
Published by Thomas Nelson 

Description of book from Booksneeze.com:

'Our world displays the handiwork of God all around us—in the land and sea, the animals and the plants. But in respect to the sky, the heavens, the universe…there’s a realm of beauty and creation man has not been able to witness, until now. The Heavens Proclaim His Glory is a compilation of stunning photography taken by NASA’s Hubble® Telescope capturing striking images of stars, galaxies, cosmic events, planets, and more. Vivid up-close photographs are paired with a romantic Psalm or quote, as well as a short description of the image. The Heavens will open up a whole new world of worship and praise for our God.

Contributors include: Francis Chan, Mike Huckabee, John MacArthur, Stephen Mansfield, Sarah Young, Max Lucado, Jenna Lucado, Henry & Richard Blackaby, Robert Morgan, Kirk Cameron, Homer Hickam, and more.'

My review:

I originally requested the book because I'm into astronomy and so are my brother and father.  To put it pretty simple, its a beautiful book and very inspiring!  It can be hard for our human brains to fathom the size of the galaxies and planets and such in the pictures, and even harder to imagine the God who created it all!  Yet, I know this God personally and He knows every hair on my head.  Wow. The pictures are colorful and amazing, the quotes are thought-provoking.  This book would make a wonderful gift for anyone into astronomy, or anyone who just needs to read something uplifting (isn't that all of us?) 

end of November check-in

went a whole month w/o blogging?  what's up with that?  rough month, that's what.

been kinda down lately.  that time of year?  most likely.  went to my doc yesterday and we're uping my Zoloft.  I'm doing a lot better overall, but I've had some really bad moments lately and don't know how I'll do through the rest of the holidays.

Don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and the New Year, and my birthday.  There are a lot of good things going on.  but I'm sure I'm not alone on this: I feel lonely.  like I said, that time of year.  not just the holidays, but events in my past that have help make me who I am today happened this time of year too.  ugh, rather not talk about it here though.

Anyway!  hit my 1/2 way point on the weight loss goal earlier this month :)  gained a couple pounds back the last few weeks, but still really close to 1/2 way.  

did a 5k on Thanksgiving morning.  it was cold and rainy and I was fighting a cold, but I still managed to have my best pace yet :)  finished in 54:35 (according to my watch, the official time is 54:48, close enough).  that's 11 minutes off my time in April!!  next?  a 5k Jan 9th, or maybe one on Dec 18th.  need to train more though.

Might write more later, just wanted to check in

end of October already?

What a busy month!  Finished a 10k, went to KC, attempted to rescue a kitten, joined the tech team at church...

The 10k was the 17th.  It was the Go! St Louis Halloween 10k.  We got to dress up, which was fun and some people had some very interesting imaginations!  I just did my face up as a cat, nothing fancy.  But the coolest thing about what I wore was the pants!  Just simple black yoga/lounge pants from Fashion Bug, but they were a Large!  When I started losing weight I was in a 1X!  I was so excited! The first item of clothing I had purchased!  Can't wait to have the $ to do more shopping.

I finished the race 5th from last.  Not too proud of that, but hey, I finished!  1:58:31 and I had a goal of under 2 hours.  made it!  I cut about 1:30 off my 5k pace from April, so that's really cool.  I'm going to stick with 5k's for awhile and I started training to run some of them.  Races are addicting, and so fun.  BTW - 10k = 6.2 miles.

There was a kitten at work who was badly injured, not sure by what.  She was tiny, dehydrated and in a lot of pain.  I took her to the vet and tried to nurse back to health at home, but she didn't make it.  It was really sad.  But, I tried and at least she passed away in a warm bed instead of on the cold and dirty warehouse floor of the plant.

Went to KC last weekend to help with another Hopefest, like the one we did in Denver a couple months ago.  All went well.  something like 150 people answered the alter calls and 15 or so were baptized!  We got rained out 3 hours early on Saturday though.  It was nice to get home a little earlier and miss the Mizzou traffic (go Tigers!), but we could have reached more people.  Oh well, God's in charge and we did what we were supposed to do! 


Tonight we have our own outreach at church, our annual fall festival.  Should be fun, even though its cold!


I really love photography and computer stuff, so I joined the tech team at church to help out.  I think this further solidifies my membership in the geek community, and that's cool with me :)


So, October... last year it was my darkest month.  I came face-to-face with the depression monster and started fighting.  What a difference a year makes!  To explain all that the Lord has done with me in 12 months, wow, we'd be here awhile.  But if you've been following for awhile, you should have an idea.  I'm not at all saying everything is rainbows and brownies and kittens, but things are good.  I'm excited about things that are going on in my life, not just sitting around wondering when it will all end.  I hope if you know me personally, you can tell a difference.  Not just physically with the 34+ pounds I've lost, but in my attitude and actions too.

Out Live Your Life by Max Lucado

This is my first ever book review :) I received a copy of Max Lucado's new book, Out Live Your Life via BookSneeze.com in return for a review on my blog. Sweet deal!

Book description from booksneeze.com:

These are difficult days in our world's history. 1.75 billion people are desperately poor, natural disasters are gouging entire nations, and economic uncertainty still reigns across the globe. But you and I have been given an opportunity to make a big difference. What if we did? What if we rocked the world with hope? Infiltrated all corners with God's love and life? We are created by a great God to do great works. He invites us to outlive our lives, not just in heaven, but here on earth. Let's live our lives in such a way that the world will be glad we did.

I love Max Lucado's style of writing and have read a lot of his books. He writes in way that is easy to understand and he helps make the Word of God so real. Out Live Your Life is no different. Max takes us through some of the accounts of the early church from the book of Acts. Basically asking the question, could God do the same amazing things today and through us?

The answer? Yes, He can! This book will ignite your faith and passion for this lost word and the billions of people in it and are hurting and in need of Christ's salvation and hope. Max will challenge you to open your eyes to the lives that are outside of your own. I'm excited, loved the book, can't wait to read it again and to go through the questions in the back! I highly recommend this book!

follow up to 'tired'

on the singleness issue, here's more of my story so you'll understand more.  and yeah, I'm pretty open about stuff.

I've only dated one guy and that was about 12 years ago.  I got saved a few months after the break up and decided then I would be celibate until marriage (only been w/that one guy, but still).  I put all my energy toward the church and youth center I was a part of at the time.  time past, just about all my friends got married and I had a talk w/God.  He told me (paraphrasing and summarizing)  then that I would be single for a long time, to not look b/c the women in the OT didn't look - they were just doing their day-to-day duties and the guy found them.  a couple years later I decided to try online dating.  as soon as I click the submit button, I felt God say that was a waste of money.  No connections came of that site, I did take the personality test on eHarmony at that time too but never paid for it.  Never got any connections that made me want to either.  lesson learned - He said not to look, so I won't. I've also had some intense dreams about meeting 'him' and woke up in tears, begging God for the waiting to be over.  Again, summarizing, He said I wasn't ready.  All that said, I've tried to be patient, I really have.  I keep busy w/church and friends and family, have developed a lot of my personality and am a lot more outgoing than I used to be. and a lot more comfortable with myself.  I think I'm just at a point where the wall I've put up for protection - the I'm OK w/o a guy, etc - is crumbling.  I LOVE the Lord w/all my heart, but I think I'm at a point where I'm ready to share my life with someone.  and losing patience.  venting all that yesterday helped, I'm much better today.  sometimes just being honest with yourself can lighten the load.

tired

I am soooo tired.  Not just physically, but emotionally too.  So, this may be a 'bit' of a venting rant.  

My aunt's breast cancer came back recently, about the same day that my grandma (this aunt's mom) went into the hospital with blood pressure/heart rate issues.  The cancer is Stage 0, thank God.  She's getting a mastectomy soon.  G-ma is still in the hospital, probably getting a pacemaker tomorrow.

I'm doing a 10k this coming Sunday.  Originally planned on walking the whole thing, but recently found out the time limit may require me to run, or at least jog some of it.  I soooo much want to finish w/i the time limit!  Haven't trained like I should have though.  I may be in a lot of pain Sunday evening into Monday, but I'm determined.  I did a 5k in April at 1:05:20.  I need to double the distance and cut down on time... lets make that determined yet discouraged.  Is that possible?

Weight loss has stalled for months now.  I've lost inches, people tell me I look like I've lost weight.  Just wish the scale would say so too.  I know, it's not all about that number and all, but I want a smaller number dang it!!  

So tired of battling emotional eating.  I find food comforting.  Logical or not, I do.

More in debt than I had planned.  Figured out how much overtime I need to get in just to make ends meet in the next few weeks.  Guess that's easier than getting a 2nd job, or trying to do the BeautiControl thing.

OK, here it goes... my pride so does not want to admit it, my independent spirit sure as heck doesn't, but I'm tired of being single.  there, said it.  so to all the people who make this their business, who have told me I'd be so much happier with someone, there's your win.  yep, not happy about admitting this, sure not!  I want to be independent, I want to say it doesn't matter, I want to say to all who think there's someone out there for everyone to, well, stuff it.  but, here I am.  Tired of the lonely nights, tired of being frustrated after watching a simple TV show, tired of hearing songs on the radio about how God gave someone to someone, blah, blah, blah.  What am I supposed to do?  Lock myself in the house and only read the Bible?  Oh, have to skip Song of Solomon though.  Unrealistic!  Yes, I am that weak.


But more than being tired of being single... I am scared to death of trying to find someone.  Palpitations, feel like I'm going to puke, scared.  Not kidding.  So afraid of being hurt, of finding out that the person I think I want is not the same as the one is for me and of having to face faults in my life while trying to add another person in.  Yep, petrified. 

Maybe I'm just tired of feeling lonely.


I know, I know... the Lord hasn't given me a spirit of fear.  I know He'll never leave me. I know He has it all worked out.  I know, I know, I added pictures of my family to the wall at church and have people praying for their salvation.  I KNOW!  I know that what I look like doesn't matter, that failing the 10k won't end the world, I know He owns the cattle on a thousand hills.  I KNOW these temporal things will not matter in eternity.  UGH!  I tell people these things and pray for others dealing with all this a lot.  But knowing in my head and knowing in my heart are two totally different things.


But why does it all have to suck so bad right now?  Fallen world, yeah, I know that too. :P

Spike Diet giveaway

this guy's story is pretty cool, no nonsense.  check out his current giveaway, and the rest of his blog.

http://spikediet.blogspot.com/2010/09/time-for-giveaway.html

0.8 pounds from half way :)

Other areas of my life first
I know not everyone cares about the weight loss, so here's what else is going on in my life.  The promotion at work is still in the works.  We have someone we're in the process of hiring to take over the HR and ISO stuff so I can focus on the inventory and logistics stuff.  Long process.  Still have mixed emotions about it all.  I know there's areas of HR that I'll miss, but I'm excited about the advancement opportunity.

Summer is just about over, and MS didn't kick my butt too hard.  Very much looking forward to the 60-70 degree weather though!  Allergies, however, continue to kick my butt!

God is moving and preparing us for work!  Things at church are picking up.  I recently started a new small group, leading it this time.  I also signed up to be a part of the tech team, helping with visuals.  I feel like I got a year 'off' to heal and get my spiritual strength back up, now it's time to get to work!  I love that He never gives up on us, even though we soooo deserve it.  His grace is enough!

Going (back to) Denver this weekend!  This time for ladies' retreat/conference.  Going to Vegas in Oct to actually stay at our timeshare, then KC later in Oct for another outreach.  I love to travel, can you tell?!?! ;) 

Weight loss
My current goal is to get down to 150, as of this morning I am at 187.8.  The highest weight I have recorded is 224.  So to be 1/2 way, I need to lose 0.8 more pounds :)  That makes me happy!  

I plateaued for a little while, um, about 3 months actually.  So aggravating!  It didn't help that I was weighing myself constantly, hoping it would go down.  I thought I could put the scale away for a month, not so much.  I lasted a week.  I've learned that I need to weigh every morning just to keep myself accountable daily.  BUT I can't let myself get upset when it goes up a little.  Water weight - lost and gained - is a very real thing and can throw a person off course.  Best measurable of all, for me, is that none of my cloths fit anymore :)  Since I didn't measure myself in the beginning of all this, I have no real idea of how many inches I've lost so far.  I know from Aug to Sept I lost 4, and only 0.4 lbs.

The reason I said 'my current goal' is because once I get to 150, I might want to lose more, or concentrate more on strength.  We'll see how I feel about it all when (not if) I get there.  Next Spring is the plan on that BTW :)

Halloween 10k in less than 5 weeks!  Haven't been training like I should, but not doing too bad either.  Shin splints are the worse thing ever!!

As I've learned from a lot of my friends on MFP (myfitnesspal.com) and from others I know who are losing or have lost weight, most people want to know how we do it.  Ready for the honest truth??  Hard work and determination.  Ouch, yeah, I know, it sucks.  But NO pill, NO special diet, NO miraculous exercise machine can do it.  Yeah, you could lose a lot of weight real quick w/one or all of those, but it won't last.  Sorry.  Its a lifestyle change.  But you know what else????  I still eat the things I love.  Just less or I make up for it in working out.  I've done some studying on it and come to the conclusion that I will allow myself 'cheat' or 'spike' days.  Trick has been to only allow these about once every 7 - 10 days.  I stick to around 1500 calories a day, usually going over a little.  Every now and then I go over 2000, gasp!  I know.  But 36 pounds lighter and an unknown number of pants sizes less... it works for me.  Kinda tricks my metabolism.


I feel like I'm pretty open and honest about the way I'm losing weight, and any other area of my life.  So ask me if you have questions :)

Stupid scale! Go away!

I'm gonna try something new for the month of Sept... I'm putting the scale away in a closet and burying it.  Not to be seen again until Oct 1!  I'm obsessed, I 'peek' everyday, and sometimes a few times a day.  I know better, water weight makes it go up and down every time.  So, I'll be at 34lbs lost for the next 4 weeks, and that's OK!  I will measure up tonight with a much more accurate scale - a tape measure! :)

September already?

August was an interesting month, I think.  Mostly because of a mission trip to Denver and witnessing all that God did.  I'm part of a denomination called Foursquare and we planted 4 new churches in Denver.  To help kick them off, we did outreaches on a Friday and Saturday.  Since I now consider myself a missionary and want to do more and more, this seemed like a wonderful opportunity that was much closer, much cheaper and much shorter than Scotland, or any of the other countries on my 'wish list'.  Most of the group (40ish) left Thursday morning, but I had to work (short on vacation time b/c of Scotland) so I flew out in the afternoon.  There was some miscommunication and my pastor thought I was coming out Friday.  I sent him a message to let him know that the flight was delayed 40 minutes, and he was thinking I was a day early.  The flight ended up being about an hour late, but in God's amazing timing, after we got off the plane, took the tram to baggage, got baggage and went potty, I only had to wait about 10 minutes for one the vans to come pick me up!  How cool is that?

The outreaches were, well, chaos! But I really think God's will thrives in the midst of our chaos sometimes.  He works things out so well, that you have to just stand back and thank Him for putting it all together.  Anyway, well over 100 people committed or recommitted their lives to Christ :)

I spent the majority of the time doing photography.  I have a new passion!!!  And apparently a natural gifting in it!  I also worked as an alter worker, praying with people when they came forward, giving them Bibles and encouraging them.  Pretty cool stuff!  I did learn something about myself in the middle of it all, I've never prayed with someone to receive Christ.  I was with a group of ladies praying with a girl who was wanting salvation, she said she didn't think she had done it right, so I was just going to have her repeat after me (not that there's really any 'correct' formal prayer to pray, but sometimes we just need a little direction)  Anyway, my mind went completely blank.  I felt so stupid.  I asked one of the other ladies to pray with her.  Now I'm past it and know I just freaked out.  All the 'formulas' I've read about or learned in church or school just didn't seem to fit.  There is no formula, just believe that Jesus was crucified and died for your sins, that He rose from the dead to give you new life, choose to live for Him for the rest of your life and thank Him for it.  We really make this salvation thing way too hard ;)

So, I'm a little over 8 months into the weight loss... August kinda stunk for that.  Overall, I only lost 0.6 from Aug 1 to Sept 1.  I did, however, start strength training and am going a lot longer on the treadmill.  So, I'm building muscle :)

September looks to be really busy!  I start leading a small group/Bible study next Tuesday, we're having a fasting and prayer meeting every Wednesday this month (starting next week), I'm going to Denver for a retreat, training for the 10k in October, getting outside to enjoy the cooler temps, hiring someone at work to take over part of my job so I can get my promotion and I'm sure there will be more :)

8 months!

OK, this is just amazing to me and I am soooo excited!!  I have been tracking calories for 8 months as of today!  And in those 8 months, I've lost a little over a pound a week!!  All this with MS and PCOS working against me!  Not to mention the depression.  Wow!  OK, seriously, if I can do this, anyone can!  :) :) :)

ps - I give God the glory, because I couldn't do this in my own strength!

books

Just signed up with BookSneeze - they send you books for free in return for reviews on your blog.  Excited to get free books :)

Crazy person

New verse to add to my favorites category: Proverb 12:10 "The godly care for their animals, but the wicked are always cruel."  I'm pretty sure I've read that a bunch of times, yet never noticed it.  I love my cat, he's my baby.  At least I'm not so 'crazy cat lady' that I have a bunch, right? I actually can't watch any of those commercials about supporting ASPCA or how Purina (I think) supports shelter dogs w/your purchase w/o crying!  I see a dead domesticated animal on the side of the road and my heart breaks.  Crazy?  Maybe a little, but I'm OK with that :D

I recently found some old pictures of myself, compared to a current one, and actually saw that I've lost weight (pictures are at the end of this blog).  I seriously have a hard time realizing that I've lost weight.  I know the scale says it (30+ lost so far) and people tell me I look better, and that my pants are bigger, but still don't get it.  Pants stretch, people are nice and I have more than 30 still to lose.  I think I can emphasize w/anorexics now.  All I see is what I have left to lose, or how horribly I went over my calorie 'budget' last night and didn't exercise.  I did 100 squats yesterday, just to see how many I could do.  I should be excited about that and consider it exercise, but I don't!!  This is why it means so much to me when people point out that I've lost weight.  I don't see it as a ego/pride boost, it reminds me that I am accomplishing something.

Yep, I'm messed up in the head.  At least I'm honest about it, right?!?! 
 

bad couple days...

So I just haven't been feeling it.  It being working out, eating healthy, reading my Bible or praying.  It has also been reading any book or even cleaning the house.  Grrr.  Blame it on PMS, depression or MS, but I'm thinking a combo of all the above.  So, yeah, having one of those weeks.

Been there haven't ya?  Haven't we all?  Still pushing forward.  Dishes are now clean, so is the bathroom.  Trying to download some stuff for my running program and have a date with Jillian later tonight.  We'll see what happens.  But I do have to say just blogging this out helps.  Helps me be honest with myself, to face what's going on and get ready to fight again!  

Thank You Lord, for Your grace and mercy :)

why cause myself any more stress???

So, I'm starting to think that the whole Bible in 90 days thing is a little bit crazy.  I don't feel like I'm really getting anything out of having to read that much in one day.  So, instead of stressing myself out, anymore that I already do!, I'm scrapping the '90 days' part.  I am planning on reading as much as possible everyday and blogging whatever I sense the Holy Spirit speaking to me, or things I just find interesting... but if I get it done in 90 or 100 or 180 days, THAT'S OK!  (repeating that to myself 10x.......) ;) 


So, stayed tuned for my adventure through the Bible, in ??? days!


PS - also starting a jogging program last week called Couch to 5k, or c25k for short.  on workout 3 tonight, but I'm so excited to say I can run!  While, jog, and for only 1 minute intervals, but that's amazing considering where I started 8 months ago...  also, my crazy butt started Jillian Micheal's 30-day Shred today too.    Geez!

Watch out world, I'm going to be able to kick some booty!  Physically and spiritually :)  ahhh, dicsicple, I hate you but love your fruit!!

Day 5: Exodus 1 - 14

the beginning of Moses' story.  funny how, even though I haven't seen the movie in years, I kept seeing the Prince of Egypt running in my mind.  The whole time thinking the story line in the movie was terribly flawed!

Anyway :)  

The enemy tried to kill off the redeemer by having the king kill off all the baby boys.  Sounds familiar, huh?  So what's going on now with all the abortions?  I won't go there, plenty of other people have...  I wonder how difficult for Moses' mom to give him up after she nursed him?  At least he was alive and she knew he'd be in good hands with the princess.


I never noticed before that the king who drove Moses out the first time was not the same as the one who Moses told to set his people free.


At the burning bush, God didn't speak to Moses until Moses turned toward Him.  That spoke to me.  Moses saw that something was going on - the non-burning bush, went to check it out, then God spoke to him.  We should be on the lookout for the things, especially the miracles, that are going on around us.  God may just speak to us too.


I like that God still used Moses, regardless of all the excuses he came up with!  I know He wasn't happy, but He had a call on his life.  Moses and Aaron did what God told them, a lot of bad things happened, but it all worked out for His glory.  I've struggled with the fact that God hardened Pharaoh's heart, but I think Pharaoh must have made his choice before this.  And God did all that so that Israel would see Him moving, and that the people of Egypt would see that He was the Lord.  Sad that you don't read of any of the Egyptians going with the Israelites and turning to the Lord.


They get all the way to the sea and then Pharaoh and his army come upon them.  They blame Moses for leading them out to die.  How many times, no I really don't want to know, have God lead me out of a bad place and then I get scared and ask what the heck He was doing?  Got to learn to trust Him!  If He has brought me this far, He'll split that sea in front of me too.

 

Somethings I didn't know...

I use myfitnesspal.com to log my cals and there's this whole community of supportive people on there.  There's a forum and a recent topic where a bunch of us where listing 5 or so things that we didn't know we didn't know before starting this journey.  I thought you may get a kick out of some of these and be inspired. I almost tear up reading some of these, laugh at/with others. (some talk about the site, which is awesome, but don't take this as a sales pitch/the site is free anyway).  They are all copied from the forum.  The first 5 are mine.

1 - I did not know I could actually lose weight (more than those 5 that I would lose and gain and lose...)
2 - I did not know how awesome I felt to hear that I inspired someone
3 - I did not know I could actually finish a marathon (5k down, 10k next!)
4 - I did not know how much of my self-perception was based on being fat
5 - I did not know that light at the end of the tunnel was hope, not a train

1. I did not know that eating every three hours would help me LOSE weight!
2. I did not know that there was something called Almond Butter and Blue Agave - YUMMY.
3. I did not know that my heart would keep beating if I did NOT drink soda and SWEET TEA!
4. I did not know that a tiny heart rate monitor could take my weight loss to new heights.
5. I did not know that a 2 piece was a bathing suit and not what I ordered at Church's and Popeye's! I have one now . 

1. I didn't know that I could use skim milk in my cereal and not die.... I can't even tell the difference.
2. I didn't know that eventually, exercising would become part of my routine again... now I feel weird without working out.
3. I didn't know that not eating was bad for me and would make my weight loss slower... weeeeird!
4. I didn't know how much I absolutely LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE riding my bike and brisk walking.
5. I didn't know that I would feel so much more confidence, even though I have only lost 6 lbs so far....

I did not know:
1. That I could really enjoy choosing what to wear
2. That my clothes that I have hidden in the wardrobe would all fit if I would take some time to make some small changes
3. That I would actually feel more in control at work if I start my day with exercise
4. That I would be a nicer Mum to my kids if I wasn't so unhappy with myself
5. That when I took away the weight I would realise the problem is how I see myself, not how others see me 

1. I didn't know that 1% milk is actually not that bad
2. I didn't know that not eating McDonald's would actually not make me sad
3. I didn't know that I could actually JOG
4. I didn't know that I could actually not eat after 7pm and still be alive the next morning!!!

1) that I couldn't eat all the veggies I wanted to. Some of those suckers are filled with calories!
2) that all that healthy stuff I was eating added up to 2400 calories per day. YIKES!
3) this site existed until I googled "champagne calories" and discovered I was drinking half my calories per day.
4) how many calories it took to burn a pound. It's a lot!
5) that when I cut my calorie intake back I would for some odd reason start craving CHOCOLATE...which I do not normally like. 

1- I did not know that I would ever in a million years eat tofu
2- I did not know that fast food would make me so sick after not eating it for months
3- I did not know that I could lose so many inches so fast and have the scale stay at the same number
4- I did not know that I would have the stamina and determination to finish the 30 day shred and challenge myself to Chalean Extreme
5- I did not know that while working on my goals of finishing Chalean extreme I would secretly want to push myself to do P90X next.

1. I did NOT know: a person typically eats 1,000 MORE calories at Subway than they originally intend to. (I actually proved this theory when i realized that my 2 cookies and soda with my healthy sandwich was costing me an extra 900 calories)
2. I did NOT know: That i could actually run a mile, or TWO, and not die.
3. I did NOT know: That i could make myself look BETTER than my wedding photos if I just made an effort.
4. I did NOT know: That my sweet tooth could actually be pretty much defeated, and I would one day no longer crave sweets and junk food the way I once did.
5. I did NOT know: That working out just once a day for 20-30 minutes could actually improve my mood & productivity as well as my health.

1- I did not know that eating breakfast could feel so good!
2- I did not know that even walking for exercise can make a difference.
3- I did not know that I could still go out drinking with my friends on occasion! (Light beer is not so bad when you don't over indulge!)
4- I did not know that working out could be fun! Running endorphins are the best :)
5- I did not know that it could be this easy to live this healthy. 

I didn't know:
I actually like to work out (most of the time, LOL)
Eating healthier and at home has brought my family closer (we actually cook together and its fun)
How working out lowered my stress levels
That doing simple 50 squats a day really helped the dreaded "love handles" (each bathroom break just knock out 10 or so)
That I could lose more than 10 pounds and keep it off, even if I did fall off the "diet" but because of the lifestyle change I committed to I got into better eating habits.

1. I didn't know I'd ever find a protein shake I ENJOY drinking.
2. I didn't know I'd ever actually sign up for a race.
3. I didn't know I could be so knowledgable and confident about my weight loss.
4. I didn't know I could lose 20 lbs doing something I LOVE!
5. I didn't know I could fall in love with food and cooking all over again...and that food be healthy. 

I did not know that one day my thighs wouldn't jiggle
I did not know that I'd need to set a new weight lose goal having achieved the one I'd never dreamed possible
I did not know I could run 25 minutes non-stop
I did not know that my arms could grow. I can now scratch any part of my back.
I did not know that anything other than a hot flash caused sweating

I did not know:
1) that all it took to lose weight, was to be accountable for what I ate and how I lived
2)that the naughty voice in my head telling me I couldn't run 10k or couldnt keep the weight off could be silenced every time I made the right choice
3) that I would look back 2 years from now and have kept EVERY pound I had lost off!!!
4) that weight loss happens one tiny decisions at a time...yes I will go to the gym, No I will not have a cookie, yes I will walk home from work
5) that there are some food/drinks SO high in calories...they are just NOT even worth eating or drinking....no matter HOW much I "think" I deserve it....

I didn't know that: A perfect stranger could boost my confidence more than my family-thanks MFP! Kudo's to you all!
I didn't know that: I would get depressed if I didn't get to work out.
I didn't know that: I could push myself to continue when my legs are yelling quit and my heart is beating out of my chest.
I didn't know that: I actually like shopping
I didn't know that: being happy with myself actually imporoved the whole house's attitude..boy was I negative-sorry Family.

I did not know:
That I would be looking forward to Jillian Micheals kicking my butt everynight!
That losing 6lbs would make such a differnece in my confidence!
That I could actually get up and do it....that nothing taste as good as being slim!
That the farmers market would be my favorite store :)
That my husband would join my everynight is doing "our chick flick" (30 day shred)


1. That there were so many people out there that have the same struggles as I do!
2. That those Skinny Cow chocolate ice cream bars I vowed I'd never try are actually really good (and only 100 calories)!
3. That not only should I watch my calorie intake, but also my sat. fats (one of the foods I love to cook isn't too bad on calories, but the sat. fat was crazy high! No more of that junk!)
4. That I would ever have enough energy or drive to go to the gym aftera long day at work.
5. That drinking water has such an important role in losing weight.


1. I did not know that I could do cardio workouts for 45 min straight.
2. I did not know that I could live without my coke zero and other chemically sweetened drinks.
3. I did not know that I could feel this energized and strong.
4. I did not know how much doing the right thing encourages others around you to do the same.
5. AND.,... I did not know how good it felt to catch my hubby checking me out

did not know that:
1. Greek Yogurt is a quick, easy, and FILLING breakfast that actually keeps me from being so ravenously hungry later on. Not eating breakfast in general has contributed to my sluggish demeanor.
2. Losing weight and eating better has helped me realize that at least some of my unidentifiable pains (as in Dr. says nothing is specifically wrong) and sensations may have been weight/nutrition related as they've subsided a lot.
3. I was eating over 4 servings of most things at dinner.
4. How I have gotten used to huge portions without even realizing it over the years.
5. How difficult it is to eat out because of huge portions and many restaurants not disclosing nutritional info on their dishes.
 
I did not know that losing weight had more to do with my health than being skinny
I did not know there are 4 servings in a box of mac and cheese
I did not know that lobster tastes delish............it was the butter I was tasting before
I did not know I could feel 20 yrs younger just by exercising each day


1. I did not know that I would lose 155 lbs without surgery!
2. I did not know (or ever imagine) that I would be teaching aerobics!
3. I did not know that I could be stronger than my husband and still be soft.
4. I did not know that I could have so much self control over my diet!
5. I did not know that a website that is so GOOD for me could be FREE!!

 did not know that I could be friends with someone that I have never met.
I did not know know if I would ever be happy with my weight again.
I did not know that I must have been eating 4 to 5 thousand calories a day at times!

I did not know that it was possible to lose 50 lbs without a huge lifestyle change and pills
I did not know that so many people suffer from PCOS and weight issues due to medical reasons until I came to this site.
I did not know that I could finally feel proud of myself
I did not realize how insecure I was and how much my weight has affected my self-confidence(still a work in progress but I am finally starting to look at myself in the mirror again)
I did not realize that in order to lose weight I wouldn't have to cut out foods I enjoy - just needed to focus on moderation and portion control.


1. I did not know that I was eating so much salt and that cutting back could make such a difference.
2. I did not know that supportive friends would make me feel so much better and be so encouraging.
3. I did not know that I really could could get my carb addiction and sugar intake under control.
4. I did not know that I could get to a point where I was working out so much and feeling so much better.
5. I did not know how much injuries really suck and how bad I would miss the working out once I couldn't do it anymore.


did not know that at 42 years old:
1. that I'd be jogging with a 26 year old coworker who keeps asking me to slow down.
2. that I'd be doing tornado kicks and spinning hooks kicks and sparring with 15 year olds.
3. that I could complete the Insanity by Beachbody program.
4. that going to boot camp with my husband on Saturday mornings for an hour and then chasing each other around the jogging track for another half hour would be such a hot date.
5. that people would be calling me skinny.
6. that exercise would be the best "medicine" to alleviate all my back pain.


I did not know I could actually take weight off and keep it off!
I did not know how great it feels to weigh less than my drivers licese says I weigh!! (how great THAT feels!)
I did not know my weigh has been such a drag to my personal happiness.
I did not realize how good it feels for people to say " you better not lose any more weight!"


1. I did not know that Zumba could be so much fun, even if you can't dance and look funny.
2. I did not know that I could grow to like coffee with only skim milk and no sugar.
3. I did not know that finding excuses to exercise is more fun and satisfying that finding excuses not to exercise.
4. I did not know that I could lose this much weight and weigh less than I have weighed for the past 7 years, WOW.
5. I did not know that I could get through a work day without running for the afternoon chocolate bar.


1. i did not know that i could ever love wearing shorts...in public :)
2. i did not know that my arms could ever be capable of having muscle tone
3. i did not know that counting calories and watching what i ate could actually help me lose weight and keep it off
4. i did not know that the scale could go this low with me standing on it
5. i did not know that i would have the confidence and drive to train for a half marathon
6. i did not know that i would ever look forward to working out each day :)


1. I did not know that fat cells hold estrogen.
2. I did not know that sodium could make my weight fluctuate so much so quickly.
3. I did not know that I didn't need food to fall asleep.
4. I did not know that I was so strong.
5. I did not know how unhealthy I really was.


I did not know that strangers would become friends, and friends would become inspirations and we would lift each other up on this weight loss journey.
I did not know I liked sweating so much. It is like a workout badge of honor.
I did not know that through this, maybe, just maybe, I could learn to start loving myself.


1) I did not know I could save my marriage by putting myself first.
2) I did not know I would be able to walk by doughnuts at work and not even WANT to eat one.
3) I did not know the value I attributed food and how that changed (without me making a conscious effort) so that I could lose weight.
4) I did not know it would only take 2 short months and 17lbs before I could walk (even jog!) up a flight of stairs and not be winded.
5) I did not know educating myself (and putting that education into action) about proteins, carbs, and fats could help me lose weight better.


I did not know:
1) people would tell me they envy my dedication to working out everyday.
2) when I sit down to watch a television show, that I would feel like I would rather be working out.
3) I would like feeling the pain that comes with a good Insanity workout.
4) I would think about how many calories or fat grams something has before putting it in my mouth.
5) once I started going to Turbokick class, I would look forward to it all day long.


I didn't know that I could commit to myself to workout everyday no matter what, I feel like I might die if I don't workout!
I didn't know that I can go with out candy, pop, chocolate, pasta, pizza, basically stuff that I shouldn't put into my body all the time like I used to.
I didn't know that I would ever workout and see my reflection in the mirror and think "I look tough!" or "I look somewhat skinny!"
I didn't know that I had muscles hidden underneath everything else that I've lost (there's still a little stuff on top, but I can definitely feel them and some times see them)


1) I did not know exactly how emotional I would get once I FINALLY was able to STOP shopping at the big girl stores and was able to fit into "normal" sizes! Buh-bye Lane Bryant, hello Old Navy (and EVERYWHERE else!)
2.) I did not know that even though I am NOT now, nor ever have been, a morning person, that I would actually like and look forward to 5 am workouts. Now that I have a longer commute to work, I can only squeeze in one early AM a week and I actually MISS them! (I work out after work mostly)
3.) I did not know that I MUCH prefer my 2 hour Saturday AND Sunday "me" times at the gym over just about anything else.... I don't spend as much money on the weekends now that I'm not constantly going shopping or to the movies.
4.) I did not know that my boyfriend would actually be receptive to the idea of, much less bring it up himself, switching from beef to turkey products!
5.) I did not know that I could push myself, well, more like WILL myself to jog the entire 3.3 mile loop at my favorite lakeside trail WITHOUT stopping for a walking interval!
6.) I did not know just how important support and motivation from others was until I joined MFP! When you make a commitment to start losing weight and want to lead a healthier lifefstyle, you may end up having less and less in common with work friends and your normal friends as well.
7.) I did not know that making my fitness a priority would improve my relationship with my boyfriend. When I go to the gym, I feel better about myself, and thus, I have become a better partner.
I did not know any of this stuff 100 lbs ago!

Day 4: Genesis 40 - 50

Starting today, I'm going to just add these to my other blog and label them B90 and close this one.  less to keep track of :)

So day 4 took me 4 days to read, but it is done!  

The story of Joseph... a man who got it, that God had it all worked out.  It's not you who sent me here, but God.  To forgive his brothers for selling him as a slave for so little money (less than $2 in today's terms), to face the false accusations of the man's wife and to be in prison and forgotten by those who he helped, wow, he understood God.  Do we?  Do I?  That we lose jobs, get jobs, make friends, lose friends, make money, lose money, go here and go there, all for His glory?  That He makes all things work for good?  For His plan?  He's in our yesterday, today, tomorrow and forever?  Wow!

One of my favorite verses is towards the end of Genesis.. Joseph said, after his brothers were still afraid that he would repay their sins to them after Jacob died, "As for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result..." (50:20)  Oh, that when people wrong me that I would have the wisdom to say that! 

Also...

So Israel's family moves to a country were they are surrounded by people who find them 'loathsome'.   And to the best land in the area.  God blessed them.  Nice!

Jacob, on his death-bed, blessed Joseph's sons, putting the younger above the older... why?  Not sure, but maybe something to do with him and Esau?  And when he blessed his own sons, he seem to favor the younger.  No insight here, just observations :)

Now, let's see if I can get Day 5 in this evening too?!?! ;)

Day 3: Genesis 29 - 39

Confession: I'm not following the plan exactly.  I was actually supposed to only read to 28:20 yesterday and then 40:11 today... but I just can't stop reading in the middle of the paragraph.  So somedays I'll have to read a little more, others a little less.

Jacob meets Rachael.  While it sounds so romantic that a guy would work for a girl for 7 years, did he seriously not know he was making love to the wrong woman????  I don't get that.  Was is completely dark and she didn't say a word?  I know this isn't spiritual at all, but that is what I thought when I read it.  Poor Leah though.  But the Lord had favor on her and she bore children, which again, he apparently didn't not love her too much to have a bunch of children with her (not to mention the 2 servants)... I digress.  Just saying that I don't get it.


And what makes a sheep or a goat have spotted offspring just by the rods it looks at while it's mating?


I wonder what happened to Esau over those twenty some years when Jacob was away.  If I were Jacob, I would have been afraid too.  Esau wanted to kill him the last we heard.  But I guess his success made him happy. Even though he didn't receive the blessing from his father, he still seemed to do OK.


I have heard so many sermons on Joseph, that I really don't much new to say.  He was upright in his business, yet maybe a little to prideful with his brothers.  He was young though ;)  He just got thrown in jail, will read the rest tomorrow.  Now I have the play going on in my head... lol

Day 2: Genesis 17 - 28

ead the rest of the account of Abraham and Sarah, then the account of Issac and the start of Jacob.  Totally honest, I've read these many times before, and didn't really get much out of it this time.  Maybe I REALLY should listen to my own advise from yesterday and not read it all at one time.  I don't want this challenge to just be something I do and put on a checklist, ya know?  This is the Word of God for Heaven's sake!  

Abraham - though he didn't do it perfect, he certainly did things I don't want to have to face.  To literally have to sacrafic a son like that.  I know the Lord stopped him and provided a way out, but what in my life has the Lord promised me, yet told me to sacrifice it in obedience?  Do I say, oh yeah, sure and not make it all the way to building the alter and pulling out my knife?  We don't face decisions quite like this anymore.  God may ask us to sacrifice things or plans, but a living person?  Hmmm....

Sarah - I get her.  I know I've laughed at the promised of God, thinking yeah, right!  To try to fulfill a promise in my own strength, to only despise the results.

Issac - gotta wonder what was going through his head when his dad bound him up and laid him on the wood.  

Jacob - the deceiver.  haven't gotten to the point where his name is changed yet though.  He lived up to his name though.  Pushed some by his mom, also on his own.  Birthright and blessing, even though earned by trickery are still honored... I don't get that, sorry. :-/

The Lord promises us things and blesses us, even though we totally don't deserve it all.  He is so gracious.  So full of mercy.  I praise Him for that! 

Day 1: Genesis 1 - 16

wow, what did I get myself into!?! :)  a lesson in discipline, that's what.  also think I should read bits throughout the day, instead of all at one time.  probably get more out of it.    anyway...

In the beginning, things were great, then they went to hell.  God made everything, blessed it.  He is the Creator of all, of EVERYTHING!!! that blows my mind!  He's so creative, has so much wisdom.  He is Creator and All-knowing... my brain can't handle that :)  So, who am I to tell Him what to do?  Seriously?  Hey, I know You set the universe in motion, made stars so big they make our sun look like a pin-prick, but could You hurry up and do this?  Wow, step back and think about that!  But in the same sense, He did/does all that, is so BIG, yet He knows every single hair on my head, every single cell in my body.  Listens to me, loves me.  Most of all, the Creator of all this and all that, died for me.  Because He loved me.  Little bitty, speck of dirt, wisp of breath, me!

never noticed before, that vegetation was created before time though.  Interesting, no spiritual insight to that, just an observation.  also noticed that it was probably His perfect plan for us to not eat animals.  We didn't in the garden, and its not mentioned until after the flood.  

Enoch was taken by God, and was no more.  Raptured?  Maybe, I want to walk that close with Him that He just decides to take me like that! :) 

Abram.  One of many that prove that God can use us and bless us, regardless of our shortcomings.  I'm sure he was a great guy, but not claiming his wife to save his own butt and listened to his wife to sleep with another woman to fulfill God's promise.  He did great things though.  He trusted the Lord, which made him righteous in the eyes of the Lord.  In the end, that's what matters: trusting the Lord.

Changes coming..

Starting now, I'm combining my 2 blogs, it just seems silly to have 2.  I'm also going to start labeling my post, so if you're more interested in one subject or another.  I'm also thinking about adding some recipes, book and movie reviews.  We'll see :)

careful what you ask for...

I have a feeling I've said that many, many times! And will continue you to on this journey called life.

We pray for God to show us things, or to do things in our lives... then He does and we're surprised. For me, mostly because it's hardly ever in ways that I imagined. It's a good kind of surprised, after the initial shock though :)

I've reconciled with people in the past few months that I had, basically, written off. People who I thought I would be better off without. These people were a part of my past, where I wanted them to stay. I wanted them to feel the pain they had caused me. BUT, they are children of God (even though not all necessarily walking with Him at the moment), and He never wrote them off. He's never written me either, for that matter.

It's so amazing to me to be able to talk about these situations from my past without the bitterness boiling in my heart and stomach! I really have forgiven them, that revelation floored me. Someone wanted to know the back story to something that happened very recently. Normally I'd be emotional when telling it, but I wasn't. I could tell I was ready to move on and let it go.

Awful, icky things happen to all of us. We're instructed to forgive those who trespass/sin against us. It's no fun whatsoever going through this process, but please let me tell you, the peace that comes for forgiving and letting go of the hatred is totally worth it in the end. Can't say I'll let any of these people in too far, but they are forgiven and now I can be civil with them.

People change. I change. The things that chained me down a few years (even days) ago, no longer do. Who am I to hold things over anyone's head?

One of the biggest things I've learned recently:

If the Lord truly has my heart, then no one, except Him, can break it.

Does He have yours? Are you holding on to bitterness? Seek Him and meet Him at the cross. Lay it ALL down at His resurrected feet.

B90

Starting a new blog at http://tammyk777b90.blogspot.com/.  I'm taking the challenge to read through the bible... we'll see how this goes :)  Read along if you'd like!

rise up again!

So, after talking about womaning-up and engaging in the fight... I failed miserably today! The enemy laid a trap and I walked headstrong into it. It looks so pretty, it won't hurt that bad, etc etc... ugh! It was a snare, ugly and mean. One that I've come across many, many times. Sometimes thinking I'll never defeat it. BUT, instead of hiding in the shadows and wallowing in a pity party by myself, putting the cover of shame over my head and letting the enemy have the full victory, I prayed and I confessed and I repented and I confided to a trusted friend. Now that's what I mean by engaging in the fight!! We are human and we are going to fail. Miserably sometimes, but the Lord stretches out His loving hand to pick us when we fall. To hold us close to His heart and heal the wounds. To give us the wisdom to overcome the tricks. We have to be willing to grab His hand and not sulk with our face in the mud though! Sometimes it does seem easier to lay there, huh? I know. And I have, many a time. This time however... I'm getting up, getting cleaned up, and going back at it. With new wisdom and resolve to continue the good fight. What about you? Wallowing in the mud or grabbing a hold of the loving hand that wants, oh so desperately, to help you up and hold you in His loving arms?

My new favorite song!!

What Do I Know of Holy by Addison Road

I’ve made you promises a thousand times
I’ve tried to hear from heaven but I talk the whole time
I think I made you too small, I’ve never feared you at all
If you touched my face would I know you?
Looked into my eyes could I behold you?

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

I guess I thought that I had you figured out
I knew all the stories and I learned to talk about
How you were mighty to save
But those were only empty words on a page
Then I caught a glimpse of who you might be
The slightest hint of you brought me down to my knees

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?
What do I know of Holy?

What do I know of wounds that will heal my shame?
And a God who gave life its name
What do I know of Holy?
Of the One who the angels praise
All creation knows your name
On earth and heaven above
What do I know of this love?

What do I know of you who spoke me into motion
Where have I even stood but the shore along your ocean?
Are you fire, are you fury
Are you sacred, are you beautiful
What do I know? What do I know of holy?

Ugly Monsters

I praise God for being on this side of the depression battle! I recently did some personality/managerial style analysis for work and I know there are questions I would have answered differently a year ago. I also recently was talking with a friend who I could see that was going into depression. Broke my heart, I urged her to seek help. That the road she's headed down is scary as hell. I pray she listens.

I'm not saying my life is full of kittens and rainbows, I do have really bad days. Where the ugly monsters overwhelm me. When I just want to drown my sorrows in a huge cheesy pizza, a pan of pasta and a batch of brownies, while watching mindless TV or movies. When I don't feel like I can stand anymore. But I know that I don't stand on my own strength. The Lord lefts me up! I can only move forward or stand firm in His strength, not my own!!

Depression is real, mental illness is real, eating disorders are real! It's not just a matter of trying to feel better, or not thinking certain things (dwell is different though), or will power! There is a real battle going on, chemical or spiritual, probably both. But!! The Good News is that there is help, or Help.

I hate seeing these ugly monsters attack others. I cannot sit idly by and just watch, we are in a war, in the Heavens, and there are causalities all around. Engage! Man-up (well, woman-up!)

I believe God gave me a vision years ago... we (as believers) were in a battle and were covered in blood. He told me that the blood was not our own, but the blood of the Lamb. It was shed to set us free, to save us, to protect us.

I pray I become more aware of the eternal struggles around me. That little, temporary fights fade. That I don't dwell on the earthly things that try to weigh me down, but to think on things that are true, eternal, praiseworthy... that I engage in the Heavenly battle! Through prayer, fasting and getting into His Word. By sharing His love with everyone I meet!!

half way

I set goals for myself at the beginning of the year, so a couple days ago I was checking my progress. I'm 10lbs behind my loosing weight goal :/ but considering how much I've lost, I guess that's OK. I gained a few back in the past few weeks, just bad decisions! But I didn't think at the beginning that I would even make it this far, so I'm excited to see what I accomplish, through the Holy Spirit, for the rest of the year.

Way behind on where I'd like to be as far as debt is concerned. But I now think my original goal was a little over the top. Using a calculator I found online through my CU, I have a plan set up that will get me out of debt in 4 years, and then my house paid off 2 years after that. I'd love to be out of debt much sooner than that though. But the thought of owning my house before I'm 40 is really exciting. I want to be out of debt sooner so I can focus on missions more, but all the the Lord's timing. Just gotta be a good steward of what He gives me.

I set goals in other things, like blogging more (done!) and eating out less (done!!). It wasn't on my list, but I did the 5k marathon and will do a 10k later this year. Went on 1 mission trip, and a few other things. Simple things like get a new hair cut and have my pastors over for dinner (done and done!).

So, all in all, I'm not doing too bad so far. Not battling depression so much has made me a lot more productive! I still have bad days, but don't we all? The point is to reach out for the Lord's hand and get help to get back up. Can't do any of this without His strength anyway!!

Currently working on pix from Scotland. Hope to get down to 500, but that's out of 2500... Lord help me!! Hope to upload online very soon!

relationships

I wonder sometimes how relationships work. This only comes to mind because of how close I became with the people who went to Scotland with me, how much I miss them, yet don't feel the same connection with a lot of the people I'm around all the time. I guess if I was away for a longer period of time I might miss them too. We prayed for the Lord to knit our hearts together even before we left and oh how He did. Must be something about going through the trenches with someone. But, are we in the trenches everyday? Constantly part of the spiritual battle going on around us. Should we be anyway? People walk in and through our lives every single day who need to know the saving grace and blood of Jesus, or who know it and need a little encouragement. Oh that we (I) could be about the Father's business constantly! I know on a short-term mission trip, or a camp or a retreat that it is just so in your face, that 'life' doesn't distract from seeking His face continually. We should pray for blinders then, not that we don't take care of 'life' but that we see Him and seeking Him first in anything.

Over time my missing my Scotland teammates will subside. It happens, I know. I don't look forward to it though. Thankfully we have pictures, so far over 2000 on just one DVD, haven't put the other one in yet! Thankfully we also have Facebook to help us stay in touch. Most of all, thankfully we have eternity :)

broken shell

Inspired by a devotion I read this morning, I asked for something from the Lord that scares me. Sorry, not going to tell you what. But if you know me well enough, I think you'll be able to figure it out.

I haven't asked for this in a very long time, years actually. I had built myself a little shell, fragile as an egg shell, to 'protect' myself. I don't even think I've been willing to ask again. Determined that I had figured out this part of my life and wasn't willing to let anyone tell me otherwise. Oh, I rarely told most people how I felt, usually just smiled and nodded instead of giving them my speech. But deep down, and in the middle of the night after some dreams, I would cry to God and ask why not me? Was there some magic formula to being in the place in my life that this would even be possible? No, I knew there wasn't, had to wait and let Him mold me. But in the meantime, I would protect myself by thinking it would never happen.

Someday it will find me, that I'm certain of. I can't go looking for it, I just have to be willing to let it happen. To live in the here and now and take every lesson from God to heart, to prepare for the season to come. Like a squirrl hording nuts for the winter. Maybe that seems like a bad analogy, maybe it is. I don't expect a 'winter' season, just knowing that there are lessons learned here that are not (as easily?) learned there.

Really, have you not figured it out yet? Even if you have, I ask that you not post a comment letting me know. Email me privately, please, if you have anything to say about this. I mean that in love, honestly. Just because the shell is broken, doesn't mean my heart isn't fragile in this. There are many hurts from the past that I fear. I know He hasn't given a spirit of fear, and this will be a blessing... He just needs to heal some really deep scars, I need to be willing to let Him.

Amazed :)

I asked God to amaze me a few months ago. Not something to ask for the faint of heart. Kind of like praying for patience, you don't get you learn it. Asking God to show you His hand at work in your life means He'll take you through somethings and amaze you with the results. Not only of what He can do, but what He can do through you.

This was the first trip I've taken completely debt free! With the fee of the trip plus spending money, I only spent $800 of my own money, most of which was through a tax refund. When I was making out my thank you cards before the trip, I realized I hadn't bought enough, I ended up needing about 40! That includes everyone who donated, prayed and/or helped with the yard sales. That is amazing to me!

During the trip, I was able to do a lot more work than I thought I could. The MS didn't show it's ugly self until almost the end of the last day of work, and I was good to go the next day anyway. I used power tools, I did yard work, I moved heavy things, I gave 2 testimonies, all without stress or anxiety. I ran through the London subway with luggage in tow (well, one of the guys traded with me, but still) without skipping a beat. I hope you get this, with the MS and depression, these are things I normally wouldn't be able to do, or at least think I couldn't do.

Even though we didn't get to minister to many of the Scots, we ministered to each other and to the missionaries in Scotland. I was able to open up more than I normally would with complete strangers, people who now are dear family.

As the soreness and bruises fade, I pray the relationships and the awe of God's amazing power do not.

Going forward... I know there are things I want to do, I now know I can overcome my fears. I feel called to the nations, and back to Scotland. I know He will guide and provide, I just ask where and when? It's not always for me to know how.

Lord, thank You soooo much for this opportunity. Thank You for the people that are now a part of my heart. Thank You for working through me and teaching me new things. Thank You for being Who You are, and loving me. And thank You for all those who support me. Bless them in ways that amaze them. Amen.