about time?

so I figured since I actually have this space, I might as well use it. I feel like my thoughts can be really random, so I hope this make sense. But its really more for me as an outlet anyway :)

I'm going through a time where I'm not sure who I am, battling depression, battling the effects of MS and just plain unhappy. The MS is a thing on it's own, the other three, however, seem to be related.

I had a talk with friend last night who's going to pray w/me and keep me accountable on some things. But basically I need to figure out who I am in the Lord, break up and re-lay my foundation with Him and then build up from there.

I've built up this facade that I want people to see. I'm so worried about offending someone or even just making them a little unhappy, that I've forgotten who I am and put on a face that I think makes everyone like me. That's not what God intended. He wants me to be real and authentic and He'll handle them and how they react to me. But that requires me giving up control... like I ever had it in the first place, right?

The scary thing to me is that I feel like I've pretended to be someone/something for so long, that now I don't know that person underneath the costume. A little afraid to find out who she is... I know what God originally planned for me is the best and will definitely be better than what I have now... just that fear of the unknown. Not wanting to really look at those layers I've put on and face the consequences of them. I know there are layers of religiosity and people pleasing, um, yuck! But underneath it all the basic elements of me will remain, they've always been there. Not sure what they are, but that means the 'real' me won't be all that different from the 'fake' me. I think, right?

His grace is sufficient and He will walk with me and only 'make' me deal with the elements as He sees necessary and in the order He sees important.

So part of this means being more real with those who are close to me. sigh... the people pleasing layer doesn't like that, but the the God-pleasing-real part knows its best, and I cannot put man over God.

Bare with me, friends. It'll be a bumpy, messy ride, but totally worth it in the end.