I feel like I have to preface this entry with the following statements:
If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, what I'm about to say might sound crazy to you. Seek Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him into your heart. Ask me if you have any questions.
Then again, if you do know Him, you may still think I'm off my rocker. I welcome you to read also, with an open mind and just try to see where I'm coming from... and you may ask questions also
It hurts. To breath, to think, to wish. To feel. It feels like I’m drowning. And longing for something. I have a hole in my chest that yearns to be filled. Like something or someone is missing from my life.
I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that hole is God-shaped. The longing is a desire to be with Him, to be whole, to be healed, to be out of this mortal body and with the Lover of my soul. But I’ve been human long enough to know I want to fill that void with a person, or with things.
I’ve tried food for a long time. It fills holes, but not the right one. Actually, it over fills holes! I’ve tried to fill it with knowledge. School, research. Bible studies, culinary arts, nutrition, fitness science, etc. that fills holes, in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Tried to fill it with people. People come and go, they have their own lives to live. Books and movies. Those work well sometimes to numb the pain. I relate to characters, get into their heads, feel what they feel… lose myself in them. A fantasy world that sucks me out of reality. Books and movies have endings though. Usually with good endings. Then it’s back to reality. I’ve tried fantasy. Close my eyes and imagine what’s over the rainbow. A Mr. Darcy or Edward for myself. A thin body, a degree, a career...
None of this satisfies. It makes the longing worse.
It ‘stirs up love before it’s time’. It numbs the pain for a short period of time. Then it all comes crashing back.
I think I’m longing for a person. Someone to hold me, to love me, to want me. Someone who cares so much it hurts. Someone who will look longing into my eyes and make all my worries disappear.
Recently, after watching the first couple Twilight movies, I was asking God where my Edward was. Or even my Jacob (I’m more on team Edward though!). Where is the one who loves me to death, who will protect me, who watches me sleep, who can’t live without me? Then, in a very tender moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, in my heart, I AM He.
Wow! and Whoa!
My eyes get misty. I can’t seem to really cry anymore. Maybe still trying to stay in that numb place. I’m so not worthy of His love and sacrifice. But He loved me before I was even born, knowing all my imperfections. He does knows my every thought, yet still can’t get enough of me.
I long for Heaven. To be done with this fight and in His presence. His real presence, where I can see Him and feel Him.
Jesus is my Edward. He is my Mr. Darcy. He loves me more than they ever could. But, there’s more I long for……..I am human after all ;)
Jesus is my eternal Husband, not my mortal one. I will long for him till I die or he finds me. Is there one for me? I don’t know. I like to think so. But it hurts. It hurts to see other people with their ‘mate’. I’m in no way more spiritual than anyone, I’m too weak to think it’s possible to one of the ‘chosen’ who devote their lives completely to His service and never marry.
Bearing my heart like this hurts too. It feels SO fragile. But, my heart is in His hands. In order to find it, one would have to search Him out first anyway.
So, it may not make any sense to anyone else why I enjoy the Twilight Saga. It’s not the best book series ever written. Definitely not the best movies ever. (Seriously, what were they thinking with the actor for Edward???). I’m a romantic at heart, with some teenage love-sick tendencies. I know and admit to that. Heaven help the guy who has to put up with me ;)
I’m only just starting the 3rd book today, so I haven’t read about the wedding and transformation yet (thanks for the spoiler, Mike!!). But I cannot wait to have my transformation into my glorified body and to sit at the wedding supper of the Lamb.
So there it is, the tender gaping hole in my chest. Sometimes I have nightmares, wake up screaming or crying, and I have to hold myself together too, Bella. But my guy too will come, or He will come back to get me :)
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