catching up

I'm not entirely sure how a month and a half has gone by since I last posted.  Between the promotion at work and feeling crappy lately, I just haven't been too social.  Oh, but if you know me personally I seem like it though.  Sometimes its an act, sometimes its me forcing myself out of a slump.

Maybe today isn't the best day to catch up.  I messed up my lower back somehow (probably from sitting on my butt most of the weekend doing nothing except eating...) and, well, let's just say the girls should understand why I'm in the 'blahs'.

So, why am I here posting today?  Maybe because I titled this blog 'Being Real' and I haven't been lately.  Why?  Hmmmm.  Wish I knew for sure.  But I have a few ideas.

Time with God - lacking in that area.  I read the Bible and/or a devotional almost everyday, but I know that's not really time with Him.  I don't spend hardly any time praying and listening.

TV - well not really TV, more like Netflix.  Current addiction = Battlestar Galactica.  Before that was Law & Order: SVU.  It's amazing how much time you lose when you're watching stuff (just one more episode... oh just another... next thing I know 6+ hours have disappeared)

Food - not eating healthy is not good for my brain or body.  I feel sluggish and can't focus.  Yesterday alone I ate 3x as much as I should in a normal day.  I mean, come on, really?  How did that happen?  I actually had the thought that maybe if I kept eating the pain would go away.  I knew it was wrong then, and I'm paying for it now.  It seems like I spend Mon - Thurs making up for Fri - Sun, every week!!  Will next weekend be better?  Only time will tell.

Exercise - well, I've actually made some improvement here :)  I recently took up Zumba.  It is so much fun!  I have more rhythm and coordination than I thought.  It took a few weeks for them to kick in though.

Weight loss - I tell people to ignore the scale while they're in a plateau, I really need to learn to listen to my own advice!!  I've actually gained 7 pounds since the beginning of the year.  May not seem like too much, but it took me months to lose that 7!  People tell me I look like I'm losing though.


Perfection - not attainable but that doesn't stop me from getting down on myself for not being there.  I think this really is the main problem in all areas.  I keeping thinking I'm not good enough in something and am therefore a failure.  So not true!  Besides, there was only One Who was Perfect, and He makes me perfect in Him.


Whine, whine, whine... 

Well, let's change focus a bit.  I have actually managed to stick to a Bible reading plan for 52 days now.  I'm a little over 30 pounds lighter than I was a year ago and in much better shape.  I feel like I'm moving into some new areas in life and its exciting to see what God's doing.  Still hoping to go to China later this year.  The promotion at work, and of course the raise, have been good for me, definitely utilizing skills in a better way.

The more I am real about stuff, and face it instead of trying to numb it with food, TV or trying to be perfect, the more I believe that last paragraph will be longer than my list of complaints.  Contentment...  my pastor preached on that a couple weeks ago.  Maybe I should go back and listen to it again!!

Thanks for listening! 

hello 2011

First post for the new year!  Hope everyone is well!

So, I finished the Twilight Saga last week.  wow!  I really enjoyed the story, I gotta say.  But the emotional roller coaster that came along with it... not so much.  If you've read any of my other post about the series, you know what I'm talking about (if not, go back and read).  I've slowly been weening myself off the addiction.  Any time the longing comes, I pray.  The Lord and I have had some intense talks lately, but I feel closer to Him than I have in a long time.  Silly how a vampire/werewolf story can draw you closer to God, but sometimes that's how He works - in the unexpected.  All that said, even though I liked the series, I do not recommend it to anyone who is prone to identifying with the character or gets emotionally involved in the story, like me.  I really think some of the material is to mature for a younger/teenage audience.  I guess I'm just old fashioned that way :)  But why stir up emotions or feelings or desires unnecessarily?  Those emotions are God-given, don't get me wrong, but they have a time and place.  They just leave me frustrated.  TMI?  maybe, but remember, this is my blog about being real and honest ;)

Anyway, moving on...

My first pastor's wife passed away Sunday morning from pancreatic cancer.  Sad that this sweet, dear woman is no longer with us. She meant a lot to my life when I was a baby Christian.  She worked with me through a lot of junk.   But, I know where she is and Who she is with, and I rejoice over that.  Actually, slightly envious :)

Through events that have happened lately in my life, the passion for Heaven is swelling in my heart.  I cannot wait to be in eternity.  Over a year ago, I felt that way, but in a scary way.  The depression type of just wanting to die.  Now, I just want to be with Jesus.  

I'm really starting to understand what Paul meant in Philippians 1:21-26 "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me"

I started reading a book by Ted Dekker called The Slumber of Christianity.  I love his fiction so I thought I'd try his non-fiction.  Its a book about how Christians have lost the passion for eternity, how we long for satisfaction in earthly things, yet never find it.  I'm only in chapter 1, I'm sure I'll have more to share here as I read it.  

God is real, Heaven is real and therefore Hell is too.  I know where I'm going, do you?

2010 - what a year!

I guess having a blog means I should have a recap of the previous year, at least I feel like writing one :)

2010 brought so many things into my life, things I never really thought possible.  I lost 40 pounds and I completed 2 5k's and 1 10k.  I'm (at least a little bit) less in debt than when I started.  I went to Scotland, Kansas City and Denver twice.  I attended a MS support group.  I blogged, fairly faithfully.  I started the process of a promotion at work, and got my highest performance rating since I started there 10 years ago.  All in all, gotta be one of my best years.

Considering last year was one of the worse anyway.  Depression sucks.

I did a personality study for work that gave me insight into who I am, who God made me to be.  Discovered my love and talent of photography and other visual arts, which lead me to join the tech team at church.  I know now that I'm a numbers driven person, not a people driven person, at least at work.  I get highly emotional about things, but tend to bottle it all up.  I see situations in black & white, maybe not the same black/white of others, but I have some strong convictions.  I'm loyal.  I'm not a self-started.  

In the past couple weeks I discovered I'm a Twilight fan, really didn't think that would happen.  

I started the year not knowing if God was really real.  I needed Him to amaze me, to remind me how real He is.  He did, in so many ways.  A lot through the mission trip to Scotland, how it all worked out.  Through the emotional battle I've had with being single.  I feel closer to Him, closer than I have in a long time, if ever.

Well, what does 2011 have in store?  No one can really know.  Some of things I'm working towards are to lose the last 30 pounds, to complete 6 5k's, to pay off more debt, to take another international mission trip (hopefully to China in November!).  Not sure what else.  I know God has plans for me, plans to not harm me, plans to give me a future and a hope.   

obsessed and need sleep

so yesterday I get off work, go home and start reading.  about 630+ pages and HOURS later, I finally went to bed and fell asleep somewhere around 3am.

what in the heck was I thinking???

well, I was totally engrossed in Eclipse.  then couldn't help myself and read 1 1/2 chapters of Breaking Dawn. The word 'obsessed' comes to mind :/

today I'm a mess.  I'm numb, not just emotionally like I was talking about yesterday, but physically.  SO stinking tired!  and it's all my own fault!  stupid, stupid girl

I really shouldn't let myself do things like that.  My defenses are down.  Fighting the good fight of faith is hard enough w/o sleep deprivation!  I'm so emotional, more than usual.  And there's a short trip between being being slaphappy, numb, then bitchy...  currently at numb, good thing I get to go home and not do anything tonight.  Well, there are about 600 pages for me to read...

we'll see how long I last.  unless of course I go home and nap, then finish it later tonight.  but that will just make tomorrow even worse.  I'm so not gifted in self-control!

But here's my revelation for today... I'm sure there's some psychological word for it, but I really get into the characters of books, TV shows and movies.  I get so wrapped up in their lives, I can't just watch or read, then walk away and not have the emotions follow.  It's weird.  And this isn't the first time I've realized it, just the first time I'm 'talking' about it.  1 episode, or 1 OK book, and I'm good.  Get me engrossed in a series, and I'm done.  The line between reality and fiction blurs.  I need help, I know. :)

Now, if I could just do this with the Bible....... stupid flesh :-/

The hole in my chest / Why I like the Twilight Saga

I feel like I have to preface this entry with the following statements:


If you do not know Jesus as your personal Savior and Lord, what I'm about to say might sound crazy to you. Seek Him and ask Him to reveal Himself to you. Ask Him into your heart. Ask me if you have any questions.

Then again, if you do know Him, you may still think I'm off my rocker. I welcome you to read also, with an open mind and just try to see where I'm coming from... and you may ask questions also

It hurts. To breath, to think, to wish. To feel. It feels like I’m drowning. And longing for something. I have a hole in my chest that yearns to be filled. Like something or someone is missing from my life.

I’ve been a Christian long enough to know that hole is God-shaped. The longing is a desire to be with Him, to be whole, to be healed, to be out of this mortal body and with the Lover of my soul. But I’ve been human long enough to know I want to fill that void with a person, or with things.

I’ve tried food for a long time. It fills holes, but not the right one. Actually, it over fills holes! I’ve tried to fill it with knowledge. School, research. Bible studies, culinary arts, nutrition, fitness science, etc. that fills holes, in my head (no comments from the peanut gallery!). Tried to fill it with people. People come and go, they have their own lives to live. Books and movies. Those work well sometimes to numb the pain. I relate to characters, get into their heads, feel what they feel… lose myself in them. A fantasy world that sucks me out of reality. Books and movies have endings though. Usually with good endings. Then it’s back to reality. I’ve tried fantasy. Close my eyes and imagine what’s over the rainbow. A Mr. Darcy or Edward for myself. A thin body, a degree, a career...

None of this satisfies. It makes the longing worse.

It ‘stirs up love before it’s time’. It numbs the pain for a short period of time. Then it all comes crashing back.

I think I’m longing for a person. Someone to hold me, to love me, to want me. Someone who cares so much it hurts. Someone who will look longing into my eyes and make all my worries disappear.

Recently, after watching the first couple Twilight movies, I was asking God where my Edward was. Or even my Jacob (I’m more on team Edward though!). Where is the one who loves me to death, who will protect me, who watches me sleep, who can’t live without me? Then, in a very tender moment I heard the Holy Spirit say, in my heart, I AM He.

Wow! and Whoa!

My eyes get misty. I can’t seem to really cry anymore. Maybe still trying to stay in that numb place. I’m so not worthy of His love and sacrifice. But He loved me before I was even born, knowing all my imperfections. He does knows my every thought, yet still can’t get enough of me.

I long for Heaven. To be done with this fight and in His presence. His real presence, where I can see Him and feel Him.

Jesus is my Edward. He is my Mr. Darcy. He loves me more than they ever could. But, there’s more I long for……..I am human after all ;)

Jesus is my eternal Husband, not my mortal one. I will long for him till I die or he finds me. Is there one for me? I don’t know. I like to think so. But it hurts. It hurts to see other people with their ‘mate’. I’m in no way more spiritual than anyone, I’m too weak to think it’s possible to one of the ‘chosen’ who devote their lives completely to His service and never marry.

Bearing my heart like this hurts too. It feels SO fragile. But, my heart is in His hands. In order to find it, one would have to search Him out first anyway.

So, it may not make any sense to anyone else why I enjoy the Twilight Saga. It’s not the best book series ever written. Definitely not the best movies ever. (Seriously, what were they thinking with the actor for Edward???). I’m a romantic at heart, with some teenage love-sick tendencies. I know and admit to that. Heaven help the guy who has to put up with me ;)

I’m only just starting the 3rd book today, so I haven’t read about the wedding and transformation yet (thanks for the spoiler, Mike!!). But I cannot wait to have my transformation into my glorified body and to sit at the wedding supper of the Lamb.

So there it is, the tender gaping hole in my chest. Sometimes I have nightmares, wake up screaming or crying, and I have to hold myself together too, Bella. But my guy too will come, or He will come back to get me :)

The Heavens Proclaim His Glory - review

Another book review courtesy of Booksneeze.com and Thomas Nelson Publishing. This book was sent to me for free in return for a review.

 

The Heavens Proclaim His Glory

By A Spectacular View of Creation Through the Lens of the NASA Hubble Telescope
Published by Thomas Nelson 

Description of book from Booksneeze.com:

'Our world displays the handiwork of God all around us—in the land and sea, the animals and the plants. But in respect to the sky, the heavens, the universe…there’s a realm of beauty and creation man has not been able to witness, until now. The Heavens Proclaim His Glory is a compilation of stunning photography taken by NASA’s Hubble® Telescope capturing striking images of stars, galaxies, cosmic events, planets, and more. Vivid up-close photographs are paired with a romantic Psalm or quote, as well as a short description of the image. The Heavens will open up a whole new world of worship and praise for our God.

Contributors include: Francis Chan, Mike Huckabee, John MacArthur, Stephen Mansfield, Sarah Young, Max Lucado, Jenna Lucado, Henry & Richard Blackaby, Robert Morgan, Kirk Cameron, Homer Hickam, and more.'

My review:

I originally requested the book because I'm into astronomy and so are my brother and father.  To put it pretty simple, its a beautiful book and very inspiring!  It can be hard for our human brains to fathom the size of the galaxies and planets and such in the pictures, and even harder to imagine the God who created it all!  Yet, I know this God personally and He knows every hair on my head.  Wow. The pictures are colorful and amazing, the quotes are thought-provoking.  This book would make a wonderful gift for anyone into astronomy, or anyone who just needs to read something uplifting (isn't that all of us?) 

end of November check-in

went a whole month w/o blogging?  what's up with that?  rough month, that's what.

been kinda down lately.  that time of year?  most likely.  went to my doc yesterday and we're uping my Zoloft.  I'm doing a lot better overall, but I've had some really bad moments lately and don't know how I'll do through the rest of the holidays.

Don't get me wrong, I love Thanksgiving and Christmas and the New Year, and my birthday.  There are a lot of good things going on.  but I'm sure I'm not alone on this: I feel lonely.  like I said, that time of year.  not just the holidays, but events in my past that have help make me who I am today happened this time of year too.  ugh, rather not talk about it here though.

Anyway!  hit my 1/2 way point on the weight loss goal earlier this month :)  gained a couple pounds back the last few weeks, but still really close to 1/2 way.  

did a 5k on Thanksgiving morning.  it was cold and rainy and I was fighting a cold, but I still managed to have my best pace yet :)  finished in 54:35 (according to my watch, the official time is 54:48, close enough).  that's 11 minutes off my time in April!!  next?  a 5k Jan 9th, or maybe one on Dec 18th.  need to train more though.

Might write more later, just wanted to check in