maybe if I write it out...

Just sitting here thinking... a lot of emotions swirling around.

As far as I can tell, Scotland is paid for! Waiting final word from WIM, but my calculations show it covered, and spending money is covered. Wow! Just waiting on the visa. I have a sense of peace about it though. I mean, I really don't have to have it in my hands for, like, a week, so no need to worry. I believe God spoke that to my heart Sunday.

Sunday's message was so good. We're in a series about getting reacquainted with the Holy Spirit. He is like breath, we can't live without Him. I don't get the Trinity, don't think our human minds can get it, um, Him? but learning a little more about Him is so cool.

OK, guys, I mean really, any men reading this may want to skip the rest of this, emotional and girl talk...

OK ladies, I'm having mixed emotions about something that happened yesterday. I went bra shopping and I'm down a cup size. Cool that I'm loosing weight, but it's weird. I know my back will be very happy with me, its just weird.

So I'm starting to realize that a lot of my self image is based on being overweight. I love that I'm loosing weight and looking thinner, but like what I said in the previous paragraph, that's a part of who I feel I am. I've always been the biggest one, at least I saw it that way. I'm having to look inside more and see who God made me to be, not based on what I look like or what I do, but the real me. What if I get down to a 'normal' size? Who will I be? Someone who can actually enjoy looking through the clearance racks at Target? That would be cool. Not the point. Who am I? What makes me, me? I see this in being single too. What if I ever find 'him'? Wow, that's too much for my mind to wrap around right now...

OK, it's getting late and my thoughts will soon get very, very confusing if I keep typing. I'll spare you all now :)

PS - something that was in my head about a week ago, not claiming any kind of poetry or anything like that ...

Laying here with ghost from the past running through my mind. thinking if I could only cry they would go away. hating that I stir these ghost out of their slumber, because of a fear of the future, brought on by scars of the past. blaming the people these ghost represent, knowing they have no idea that pain they've caused.